Secret Asian Man (4) scorched building. Neeko and Asia duck under the crime scene tape and enter the building with Mr. Mariweather close behind. Neeko has donned his pants but his open trenchcoat reveals his unzipped fly. Bank President : Lieutenant Alfredo Linguine, Agent Asia, allow me to introduce you to Mr. Jon Johnson. Jon Johnson : At your service, Lieutenant. Bank President : Mr. Johnson is the official Lloyd’s of London representative here in Bern. Neeko : Royd’s of Rondon? Jon Johnson : Yes, you’ve probably heard of us. Neeko : No. Jon Johnson : .....Oh,....anyway, we certainly have heard of you. I have instructed my people, as well as the police investigators, not to disturb any evidence until you have had a chance to examine the crime scene for clues. Neeko : Crues? Jon Johnson : Of course. I knew you would want to lead this investigation yourself. Neeko : Crues.... of course. Tentatively, Neeko takes a couple steps forward and the entire group of officials falls in directly behind him. They look over his shoulder and study his every move. Jon Johnson : ( to Asia and Mariweather ) This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, a chance to learn from the famous Alfredo Linguine. Asia beams with pride. Trying to act nonchalant, Neeko puts his hands in his trench coat pockets. He feels something in a pocket and pulls out a magnifying glass. He studies a flower arrangement through the magnifying glass. Neeko : Strange. ( plucking a bill of Swiss currency from the arrangement ) Why would anybody go to trouble of robbing bank and then reave all this money rying around. ( he pockets the bill ) Jon Johnson : ( hand out, clears throat ) Um, Lieutenant. Neeko : Of course, merery gathering evidence you know. ( hands bill over ) Investigator #1: ( presenting an already open fingerprint kit ) Would you like to dust the vault, sir? Clueless about how to use a fingerprint kit, Neeko folds the case shut and tucks it under his arm. Neeko : Dust?.........No, not necessary. Mariweather gives a look of concern to Johnson who just shrugs his shoulders. Neeko : I have a nose for fingerprints. I am quite certain you find none here. ...Strange, if the robbers were not after money, then what? Bank President : The Alpine Azure of course! I thought everyone knew that already! Didn’t you read your orders?! Didn’t you at least read the newspaper....... Johnson raises his hand to cut short the president’s harangue. Jon Johnson : Please Mr. Mariweather, let the inspector work. Neeko : Of course, the rare brue diamond. Was it kept here, in this vault? Bank President : No, the Alpine Azure was kept in a secret vault upstairs. Come, I’ll show you. Led by Mariweather, the group proceeds to the beautiful spiral staircase that encircles the grand chandelier, suspended from above. As the others begin the ascent, Neeko pretends to examine the massive, polished oak railing through his magnifying glass. Neeko : Hmm.... Jon Johnson : Find something, Lieutenant? Neeko : Probably nothing, but one must be careful not to reave the srightest crue unturned. Turning to Johnson, Neeko is startled by his magnified face looming through the spy glass. Neeko : AHHH! Neeko jumps back, throwing his arms wide in surprise. He hits the chandelier making it tinkle like a giant wind chime. Bank President : Careful, that chandelier is the only thing of any value left intact on the entire first floor. Neeko : ( composing himself ) Magnificent. Crystal? Bank President : Thank you. Yes, over twelve thousand individual pieces of the finest Austrian crystal. Once again looking through his magnifying glass, Neeko reaches out to touch the master piece with the tip of his index finger. Bank President : Please be careful, Lieutenant. It’s somewhat fragile and quite expensive you know. Neeko : Don’t be sirry. If it can survive an exprosion, it can certainry survive my pinkie. The group laughs with him as he holds up his harmless finger for all to see and then playfully tickles one of the crystal facets. They turn and continue upward. The chandelier creaks. The group stops short. Suddenly the enormous fixture crashes to the floor behind them, shattering into a thousand pieces! Everyone is struck speechless. Neeko : ( after a nervous pause ) Well, what are you waiting for? ( handing the fingerprint kit back to Investigator #1 ) Check that chandelier for prints! Dust every piece, leave no facet unturned! With that, Neeko hurries past the dumbfounded Meriweather, taking the stairs two at a time. CUT TO: top of the stairs. The entourage tops the stairs and forms up. Asia : Can you show us where the Alpine Azure was secured? Jon Johnson : Certainly, this way. Johnson leads them to the secret vault. INT, walk-in vault. Enter; Johnson, Neeko and Asia. The others crowd in behind them. Johnson takes them to the wall safe at the far end. Neeko looks around the vault interior with his magnifying glass. Meanwhile, Asia ponders over the untouched white diamonds remaining in the still open, wall safe. Jon Johnson : Here we are. Asia : Strange... Investigator #2 : ( holding instamatic camera ) Pictures, Lieutenant? Turning to face the photographer, Neeko puts his arms around Meriweather and Johnson. Neeko : Prease.....I rike two copies. Investigator #2 looks at Meriweather, who in turn looks at Johnson with disdain. Again, Johnson just shrugs. Investigator #2 snaps the pic and hands it to Neeko. It develops before their eyes revealing Neeko’s unzipped pants. Neeko : ( zipping up ) Other copy not necessary. Embarrassed, Neeko quickly exits the vault with the others close behind. INT, just outside the secret vault, daytime. Neeko continues his search for clues with the magnifying glass. Neeko : Did you say this was secret vault? Jon Johnson : Yes and thought to be impregnable. Bank President : That’s right. You see, even if an intruder is able to breach our main security system, this vault has its own network of sensors and alarms. Allow me to demonstrate. Meriweather turns off the lights and motions to an aide who inserts a key and activates another switch, turning on a web of thin, red, laser beams; motion detectors surrounding the vault entrance. Neeko : Fascinating. Neeko attempts to examine one of the red rays with his magnifying glass. The beam deflects off the lens and onto the head of the unsuspecting Meriweather. Presently, his hair starts to smolder and then suddenly it erupts in flames! Asia : Oh, his hair is on fire! Bank President : What? Neeko tries to stamp out the hair fire with his hands. No good. He tries a folded newspaper. This only dazes the bank president. Finally, Asia grabs a fire extinguisher from the wall and puts out the fire, leaving Meriweather’s head and shoulders blanketed in white powder. Bank President : You caught my hair on fire? Neeko : Obviousree using too much hair spray. Who you think you are, Michael Jackson? Meriweather trembles with fury and Neeko makes a hasty retreat to the staircase with Asia close behind. Neeko : I want full report by morning! CUT BACK TO: bank lobby/1st floor, POV looking back up the stairs. Neeko and Asia hurry down the spiral staircase, leaaving Mr. Meriweather and Mr. Johnson at the top. Neeko : ( to the detectives sifting through the shattered chandelier ) I want full report by morning! Jon Johnson : But where can we reach you? Asia : We’ll be staying at the Lodge Helvitia. ( as they exit ) Pan back to the top of the stairs. Bank President : ( hair still smoldering ) I always thought Linguine was Italian. Jon Johnson : Italian indeed, but a master of disguise. Bank President : Strange people, those Italians. EXT, town square, Venice/Italy, dusk. Push in on cannon. A drunk organ grinder is walking through the square, carrying his monkey and singing as he goes. He sings the old French traditional, Frere Jacques. He takes a drink from his wine bottle and talks to the monkey who is riding on his shoulder. Organ Grinder ( Italian accent ) : Ah, my little friend, we have worked very hard today. Now is the time to relax and enjoy the fruits of our labor and the fruit of the vine. ( pouring wine into the monkey’s tin cup ) A little wine, a little song. ( resumes singing Frere Jacques ) Linguine : ( muffled and echoing from within cannon ) Neeko, is that you my friend?......Neeko? Organ Grinder : Eh? Linguine : Neeko, answer me! Organ Grinder : Who is there? Linguine : Who is there? Organ Grinder : It is I, Tony the humble organ grinder and Jacques, my faithful monkey. The little monkey climbs to the top of the upturned cannon and squats on the rim, looking down into the dark void. Linguine : Who? Organ Grinder : Tony, the humble organ grinder and Jacques, my faithful monkey. Linguine : Tony the humble organ grinder and Jacques, your faithful donkey? Organ Grinder : Monkey!! Idiot cannon. The little monkey takes aim and pees into the upturned cannon. Linguine : What.....is it raining? Organ Grinder : Jacques! Stop that you bad boy. The monkey jumps back on Tony’s shoulder. Organ Grinder : Come along, we two entrepreneurs are far too busy to squander our time talking to the square cannon. Tony, the organ grinder empties his wine bottle into the nearby fountain and tosses it into the cannon. They exit. Linguine : Ouch! Tony?....Tony?.....Jacques?.....Anybody? EXT, mountain road, night. The Gremlin is navigating the dark winding road, its headlights playing off the snowdrifts. Music Up: See You Later Alligator/Bill Haley and the Comets. The Gremlin pulls up to the Lodge Helvitia ski resort, Bern, Switzerland. It is a picturesque, winter wonderland. Yellow light spills out onto the fresh snow from the windows. Neeko and Asia exit the Gremlin with luggage and hurry into the cozy lodge. INT, Lodge Helvitia, nighttime. Enter Neeko and Asia, they approach the desk. Neeko : We would rike to get a room. Desk Clerk : See you later alligator. Neeko : ( bewildered ) Do you have a vacancy? Desk Clerk : See you later alligator. Neeko : See you rater, arrigator? Sirry man, what are you.... Asia whispers something in Neeko’s ear and his eyes light up. Neeko : Afa-wire crocodire! Desk Clerk : Welcome Agent Linguine, Agent Asia. Neeko : Lieutenant, Agent Linguine. Desk Clerk : Whatever. We have been expecting you. ( snaps fingers ) Godfrey will show you to your room. Enter Godfrey the bellhop. He takes their bags and escorts them to the elevators. Godfrey : This way please. INT, elevator. Michael the elevator operator awaits. Enter Godfrey and Asia. Neeko lags behind. The elevator doors close, pinning him in the middle. He struggles free with Asia’s help. Godfrey : ( suppressing a laugh as they begin their ascent ) Third floor, Michael. Godfrey : Honeymooners? Neeko : What?....Oh, yes. Yes we are honeymooners. Godfrey : I thought so. I can spot newlyweds a mile away. Asia takes Neeko’s arm and nuzzles against him. Godfrey and Michael exchange a knowing smile as they reach the third floor. The elevator doors open. Michael : Third floor. Asia exits, followed by Godfrey who carries the luggage. Neeko lags behind, leery of the elevator doors. He holds his hands in a karate pose as he prepares to exit. Michael : ( hand out for tip ) It has been my pleasure to serve you. Neeko : ( stopping in the doorway ) And you have served wellr. Neeko grasps his hand in a firm handshake and turns to exit. The stiffed Michael hits a button on his control panel and the doors close on Neeko once more. INT, hotel suite, nighttime. Asia is preoccupied, examining fixtures and behind pictures for surveillance devices. Asia : Help me look for bugs. Neeko : Don’t be ridicurous, this room is immacurate. ( swiping a finger across the dresser ) A rittle dusty, but no creepy crawlers. He snaps off a flower from a fresh arrangement and fixes it in his lapel. Asia : Not those bugs...( removes a tiny device from Neeko’s new boutonniere ) .....these bugs! Neeko : ( unconcerned ) What’s this?! Comprimentary champagne! Neeko retrieves the bottle from the ice bucket, and unwraps the foil around the cork. Asia is focused on the bug. Asia : Some sort of tracking device, no doubt. Neeko struggles to uncork the champagne. Asia flips open a secret compartment on her finger ring to reveal a tiny monitor. Asia : Watch this. She activates the monitor and it starts to beep. Asia : I knew it! It is a tracking device. Preoccupied, Neeko can’t uncork the bottle so he uses his teeth. Asia : Japanese no doubt, judging from its minute size and....... POP! The cork shoots out of the bottle and lodges in Neeko’s throat. Champagne spews everywhere. Frantic, Asia drops the bug into one of the champagne glasses next to the ice bucket. She attempts a Heimlich maneuver on Neeko. After a number of unsuccessful tries from different positions, she hits him in the back. Nothing. She hits him in the chest. Nothing. Neeko is gasping for air and turning blue. Asia whallops him in the stomach. He keels over and finally, she smacks him in the back of the head! The cork pops free! Neeko is breathless and beaten half to oblivion. Neeko : ( gasping ) Wa.....need wa.....water. Asia pours some champagne for Neeko using the same glass she put the bug in. Asia : Here drink this. Neeko gulps it down. Neeko : More. Asia refills his glass. He drinks this one a little slower. Asia : Wait a minute, where’s the bug? Asia picks up the remaining glass from the table. No bug. She quickly looks around the table and floor. No bug. Then, she looks at the glass of champagne that Neeko is sipping. Asia : Oh, no! She slaps away the glass and once more whallops Neeko in the stomach! He spews champagne! INT, hallway just outside Neeko and Asia’s suite, nighttime. Dressed in formal evening attire, Neeko and Asia exit their room in the direction of the elevators. Neeko : ....but I still don’t understand why you kept hitting me. Asia : I had to do something, you would have choked to death. Neeko : Nonsense, I had everything under controlr. Asia raises her hand to brush a speck of lint from Neeko’s jacket and he jumps back; a knee jerk reaction from the beating he just endured. Asia pulls Neeko through a doorway marked stairs. INT, stairwell. Neeko and Asia make their descent. They round the first landing and disappear down the next flight of stairs. After they pass, a short figure emerges from the shadows under the stairs. It is Diamonique. He pulls out a pocket watch and flips open the cover, revealing an illuminated monitor. He pulls out the stem and a computer image of two flights of stairs appears on the screen. A blinking dot of light moves down the computer generated image. It is the signal from the tracking device that Neeko swallowed, following his descent. Diamonique grins an evil grin, closes the watch, slips it back in his pocket and descends the stairs until out of frame. INT, bar area of the Lodge Helvitia restaurant, nighttime. A drop dead, gorgeous woman approaches the bar. All heads turn to watch her. A waiter, smitten by her beauty, bumps into a passing patron and spills his tray. Things not always being what they seem, Lola in fact, is a drag queen. A very good one. “She” is bedazzling in her sequined evening gown, big hair and very big breasts. High heels complete her ensemble, making her over six feet tall. She glides onto an empty stool next to Diamonique. They are facing the bar with their backs to the dining area. Lola ( w/exotic accent ) : ( to the bartender ) Sex on the Beach. The bartender mixes the drink. Lola takes a long, white cigarette holder from her purse and places a white filtered cigarette into it. Diamonique lights her up. Lola : Which one? Diamonique swivels around on his stool. Diamonique : There, in the middle of the dining room. They are just being served. Push in on Neeko and Asia. Waiter ( w/phony French accent ) : For zee ladee; veal parmigiana. Asia : It looks scrumptious. I’m starved. Waiter : ....and for zee gentleman.... ( places platter of steak tartare in front of Neeko ) Enjoy your meal. I will be back to check on you presently. Neeko : ( grabbing waiter by hem of his jacket ) One moment. There is raw egg on my steak. As matter of fact, steak is alrso raw. What meaning of this? I rike my steak a rittle rare, yes but not raw! Waiter : But M’sieur, you ordered the steak tartare, no? Neeko : I order steak tartare, yes, not gran sram steak and egg breakfast! I wish I had, at reast Denny’s cooks their food! Waiter : M’sieur, this is a four star restaurant, I think we know steak tartare. Neeko : Perhaps you do not realrize to whom you are speaking! I am Agent Rieutenant Arfredo Ruigi Ringuine of Interpol. I am Italian.... Waiter : ( interrupting ) You’re Italian? Neeko : Yes and I know difference in a realr French accent and a phony French accent and I should think I know difference in steak tartare and raw steak and eggs! Asia : ( pulling Neeko close ) Steak tartare is raw steak and eggs. Neeko : .........I have changed my mind! Take this away. Bring me the robster a ra mode instead. The waiter looks at Asia, rolls his eyes and takes the steak tartare away. Waiter ( under breath, w/o French accent ) : Strange people those Italians. Neeko : Can you berieve it, a simple waiter recturing me on quisine? Go ahead my dear, eat. Do not ret your food get cold. My robster a ra mode willr be here presentree. Gratefully, the famished Asia begins. The food is so good that she nearly swoons with each bite of veal and pasta dripping in marinara sauce. Lola catches Neeko’s eye. She winks and begins sending him body language. Neeko looks around to ensure she is motioning to him. He mouths the word, me? Lola nods. Neeko : On second thought, I have rost my appetite. Asia : What?
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Copyright © 1999 Tony Mossor |