Doing Man's Work (3)
Well, I didn't know he was going to be here. CANDY Well, can we just please leave. THOMAS Can, we just got here. I haven't even finished one beer. CANDY What's he doing here? THOMAS I don't know. But I'll find out. CANDY No. THOMAS Candy, don't worry about anything. He's just somebody we know. Did he say anything to you. CANDY He didn't see me. THOMAS Look, we can't leave yet. If we leave already, then we WILL look suspicious. I'll go talk to him. CANDY No. THOMAS Candy. It's okay. It's a party. We were friends remember? CUT TO: POOL - MOMENTS LATER Thomas approaches Miguel from behind. THOMAS Hey, dude. MIGUEL Hey, Thomas! (Stands up to shake hands and gives Thomas a half-hug) What are you doing here man? THOMAS I just started work for the company yesterday. What are you doing here? MIGUEL My sister invited me. CHILD IN POOL (O.S.) Uncle Miguel! MIGUEL (To child) Not now. Play with Lupe. (To Thomas) Man, it's been a while. How you been? THOMAS Hanging, man. Still retired. You? MIGUEL Amen, brother. You got that right. THOMAS So this place is cool? MIGUEL I guess. I don't even know these people, man. My sister works in the phone room for this place. THOMAS Cool. I start selling pots and pans on Monday. MIGUEL Cool. That's beautiful man. Is Candy here? THOMAS Yeah. She got worried when she saw you. MIGUEL Why? Oh man, the past is gone. That's all old news. You started over, I started over. I don't even talk about that stuff any more. THOMAS Cool. CUT TO: EXT GRASSY AREA - PARTY IN YARD Candy has met some people who she is now playing lawn darts with. Thomas approaches her as she throws a dart and nails the center of the ring. Everybody cheers. CANDY I changed my mind. THOMAS About what? CANDY I want to stay. I'm having fun. THOMAS Good. Candy slugs down the last of her drink and hands him the plastic cup. CANDY Tommy, will you get, go-get me another glash of wine? THOMAS A glash of wine? You like glashesh of wine? CANDY Now I do. They laugh. THOMAS You know, it's okay that Miguel's here. These aren't those kind of people. His sister works for the company too. CANDY He hash a sishter? THOMAS Uh-huh. How much wine did you drink? She makes a tiny measurement with her fingers. CANDY Like that much. So, now, I'll have this much. (Making the same measurement) THOMAS Okay, fine. (he laughs) Thomas exits to get wine. CUT TO: MONTAGE A flurry of conversation fills the next few moments. Salesmen telling Thomas how to sell amidst the backdrop of the party as the sun sets and the twinkling lights around the pool flash on. The scene will convey the entire day turning to night. DOUG Even if they finance it and pay the full term, it's still $700 less than full price. You sell what you can for the price they can pay. Can't afford the 18-piece? I've got a 7-piece I can give you for only $500, same credit terms. Whatever their perspective is, you will have something that fits into their budget. CRUSHER When the guy in the ranch house wants a price break you knock 50 bucks off and throw in a nice set of tableware. When he doesn't go for that, you offer him an eight-piece set of china and crystal for only a hundred bucks more. It's all perspective. You let them see what THEY want to see and BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, they start telling you how much money they'll give you. BOBBY T So pretty soon, the wife likes the China pattern and the rose crystal that goes with it, and he writes a number on a piece of paper and you say, "I have to call my manager." DOUG You call me and I hang up on you and you pick up your shit and start to leave. Tell 'em, "I'm really sorry Mr. And Mrs. Jones, I didn't think this was too expensive for you." I tell you what, you stand up and start leaving and they are BEGGING YOU TO STAY! Here! Take my money! Please. Please take my money. CHARLIE Nobody wants to be told they can't afford something. NOBODY! The pitch is easy. It's about twenty pages, and it answers all the questions they'll have. A brain-dead monkey could sell this if he could talk. All you have to do is point at the pages, read what it says and take their money. I'll show you. CUT TO: INT HOUSE - DAY Thomas and Charlie are sitting together on a living room sofa across from two young women. Charlie is in the midst of his sales pitch, handing a pot to one of the women. Both of the women are smoking cigarettes. CHARLIE Now, you see that there? That is a quality pot! You won't find a better quality set of cookware in the whole world. GIRL 1 Well, that's nice and everything, but I don't even care about cooking. I don't plan to cook. GIRL 2 Me either. CHARLIE What do you mean, you don't plan to cook? GIRL 1 I'm not going to cook. There's restaurants everywhere. CHARLIE Tell me something. When our ladies called you on the phone and made this appointment with you, you did understand that I was going to show you pots and pans, right? GIRL 1 Yeah. CHARLIE So if you're not planning to cook anything, why did you have me come out here? GIRL 1 She said we'd get a free gift for watching you cook something. GIRL 2 Are you going to cook something? CHARLIE No. You see, cookware is for people who actually COOK their own food instead of playing Russian roulette with E-Coli and diseases like food poisoning in the restaurants. (Charlie starts packing up his kit) Now if you want to take the risk, day after day, that you can keep going to restaurants and not get sick, that's perfectly fine. You can do that. But if you're not here to talk about cooking and making an investment in your health and your future, we'll just be on our way. GIRL 2 What about our free gift. CHARLIE Those are for the people who listen to an entire demonstration. GIRL 1 We'll listen to your demonstration. CHARLIE (Standing) Are you going to buy a set of cookware? GIRLS (In unison) No. CHARLIE Then I don't need to show you an entire demonstration. Have a nice day. (Starts walking to door) Come on Tom. CUT TO: JUNKYARD - DAY The Monte Carlo SS is parked in the sun outside of the dark interior of the shop. The men are seen in shadows and are unrecognizable. JUNK MAN That's a sweet one, D.C. D.C. You don't know shit. It's a classic. JUNK MAN You like doing business here, you better stop talking shit, dude. (beat) Five-hundred. D.C. Seven. JUNK MAN It's got nice rims. Six-fifty. D.C. Done. CUT TO: INT. WAL-MART - DAY Candy and one of her friends from the first scene, BECKY, 20's are walking around pushing a cart. They are looking at baby clothes. CANDY Don't you miss Derek? BECKY When they're two, believe me, you don't mind dropping 'em off at day care once in a while. CANDY Don't you worry about him? BECKY No. Shelley's there. He's playing with her kids. They're having a blast. I mean, you LOVE your baby, all Mom's do. But you have NO IDEA how great quiet time is. Like this I mean. Just coming here shopping. Quietly. No noise. (A baby starts crying in the store) No noise that you own, anyway. CUT TO: INT. CHARLIE'S CAR - DAY Charlie is driving. Thomas is passenger. They are driving silently for a few moments at the start of the scene. CHARLIE I swear. I don't believe those bitches sometimes. THOMAS What? That they don't cook? CHARLIE No. Not those bitches. The bitches in the phone room. Setting appointments to give away a set of steak knives. Can you believe that? THOMAS Why would they set an appointment that's no good? CHARLIE They get five dollars for a set. Whether I sell it of not, they still get five dollars. So they set the appointment. But I'm telling Dave about this one. You met Dave, the phone room manager? (Thomas nods) Yeah, Dave's a good man. I'll let him know not to pay on that one. That was absolute shit. CUT TO: INT. WAL-MART BECKY Don't worry, honey, you'll get used to baby shit in no time. I can change a diaper in my sleep. CANDY Really? BECKY I thought about it one day, how many diapers I changed. I mean, since Derek was born. It's probably been at least 3000 diapers. CANDY NO WAY! BECKY You better believe it! Figure fourteen diapers a day from the day they pop out of you until they start eating solid foods. Two hundred days? What's that? Eight months? There's twenty-eight hundred diapers right there. (Candy is aghast) Some days it's more like ten diapers, but still. Once Derek turned one I got him down to six a day. Naomi told me that Jimmy was only going through two a day on his first birthday. She is so full of shit. If she only used two a day when he was one; that was one stinky kid. (Candy starts to cry in the diaper aisle) Candy, honey! What's wrong? CANDY I can't do this... I can't have a baby! I don't even know how to change a diaper... What if I forget how? I don't want to have a stinky baby! (Starts bawling) BECKY (Holding Candy, smiling) Come on now, honey, it's ok. You're going to do just fine. (Wipes Candy's face with caring fingers) I know...you think that it's so scary and it is. Right now it is...but it's not. You're going to have a beautiful little baby, and your baby is going to be the most precious thing you can imagine. When they smile, it's just for you. They cry, they laugh, they make messes, but you love 'em and you don't need any lessons to love, you just do. And you will. Okay? CANDY Okay...okay. CUT TO: INT. CHARLIES CAR CHARLIE So what's your wife do? THOMAS Mostly has mood swings. She's pregnant, you know. CHARLIE This is your first, right? THOMAS Yup. CHARLIE Boy or a girl? THOMAS Don't know yet. Keeping it a surprise. CHARLIE That's good. Believe me, it's worth the wait. Fatherhood. Can't beat it. (beat) 'Til they're teenagers. Then the hell with it. Just stay out of the way and hope they don't kill anybody at school. THOMAS Is that supposed to be funny? CHARLIE No. Hell I don't know, some people think all sorts of weird shit is funny. I'm just thinking out loud. I worry about 'em at school. But I don't interfere. Kids gotta grow up somewhere. I just hope that no little asshole grabs his Daddy's thirty-odd-six and takes it out on one of my kids. That's what I mean, I worry about shit like that, you know? I even worry about my kid deciding he wants to play with guns some day, and then goes and blows a teachers head off. I don't want that to be my kid. You know that once a kid gets a gun, it's all down hill from there. THOMAS I believe it. CUT TO: INT. WAL-MART BECKY So how does Tommy like his new job? CANDY He was excited about it this morning. It was such a nice party they had too. Really ritzy. They even gave away prizes. BECKY Prizes? CANDY Yeah, like door prizes. We got a stainless steel egg beater. It's really nice. He said one guy, another salesman, made like a thousand dollars in twenty minutes or something. BECKY Whoa! Where do I sign up? CANDY How much did you pay for your pots and pans? BECKY Like fifty dollars. CANDY I know, right? Guess how much the pots and pans are that he sells. BECKY How much? CANDY Six hundred dollars! Isn't that a rip off? BECKY Damn! Well, it may be a rip, but it's better than what he used to sell. CANDY I know, anything's better than cocaine. CUT TO: INT. CHARLIES CAR CHARLIE You never sold anything before? THOMAS Nothing. I've never had a sales job. I used to work in the juice plant 'til they laid everybody off. CHARLIE I know. That was a shame. All those executives misappropriate funds and look who gets hurt. The little guy. The guys working for 'em. That's a shame. Putting all those people out of work like that. Really it is. . . Fruit gets shipped out of the country... THOMAS Is this job really going to pay off, Charlie? Can you really make money here? CHARLIE Having second thoughts? (beat) You know, when I first walked in the door and they told me that people bought six-hundred dollar sets of cookware, I thought they were crazy. No way is somebody going to pay six-hundred dollars for a set of pots and pans, I said. But they do. Every day. Sometimes you get one of these shit leads or you get spoused, where the husband or wife blows it for you, but for the most part, we make money here. You don't sell every single one, but as long as you sell every other one, it's ok. You make money, keeps Doug happy, keeps his boss off his back, and you know what? We all end up with a little extra change for a six-pack at the end of the week. That's what it's all about. You won't get rich here. But you'll do all right. You go on the appointments, you sell something, you get a paycheck. It gets easier every day. Just wait. You'll see. So you're going out with Jimmy Lee tomorrow? THOMAS I guess. CHARLIE Have fun. Jimmy's a trip CUT TO: INT. JIMMY LEE'S CAR - DAY The car dashboard is decorated with motivational stickers like"A winning attitude is the only attitude" and "conceive it, believe it, achieve it". Zig Ziglar cassette tapes are everywhere. JIMMY LEE, oriental, mid-20s, is driving. Thomas is passenger. THOMAS Can you tell me how the commission structure works? JIMMY LEE What do you mean? THOMAS Can you explain to me how we get paid? Like, for instance, how much DO you make when you sell a full boat? JIMMY LEE It's 12% for full boats. Cookware, tableware, china, and crystal. I only sell full boats. If they just want cookware, fuck 'em. It's not worth writing the paper. You only get 5% for the cookware, you would have to sell ten units a week just to cover your draw if you only sold cookware. Sell full boats. It's the only way you'll make any money in this business. THOMAS Don't they charge the same whether you sell the china and crystal or not? JIMMY LEE It's all fucked up. I don't know who did the accounting here. Who did the pay plan. The bonus structure. I don't even know if I can explain it right. Rate card on the cookware is $2,049. So if you sell it at that price, you can give the customer a free set of tableware. You can give them a free set of tableware no matter what they buy. Everybody gets a free set of tableware. THOMAS What if all they want is tableware? JIMMY LEE Send them to K-Mart. Nobody buys tableware. It's free...with a purchase. So if they pay rate card, not only do they get their free set of tableware, but for only a hundred dollars more, they get a full 8 piece place setting of china and crystal. It's all a gimmick to sell the china and crystal. So your full boat is $2,149. But if you don't get the extra hundred out of them, it's not considered a full boat, so you only get 5%, which is like a hundred dollars commission. Now if they go full boat and pay cash, they get a 5% discount but you only get 8%. THOMAS Why? JIMMY LEE Because it's a fucked up system. You can't sell china and crystal unless they buy the cookware. THOMAS Why? JIMMY LEE Because it's fucked up. So if that's the case, you know what you do? You sell them a full boat deal and you throw in the tableware for a hundred dollars more. THOMAS What about the cookware? JIMMY LEE They get that free. CUT TO: INT BEDROOM - NIGHT A woman is crying and kneeling on the bed. The lights are muted so we can not see her face. A man in the shadows is rummaging through the closet and pillaging the drawers of the night stand. D.C. I can't believe you ran out of fucking condoms. I don't know why I come here. (getting dressed) You're such a lousy bitch. Quit your fucking bawling. I don't want to fuck you anyway! Whore. He leaves, slamming the door. CUT TO: INT CUSTOMERS HOME - DAY In the next several scenes, Thomas is doing his sales pitch alone, dealing with a multitude of rebuttals. THOMAS You see, no matter what you put in the pan, it won't stick, because everything cooks in it's own juices. This is the way chefs at fine restaurants do it. They sear the meat so it seals in the flavor, and now, you can do the same thing. OLD MAN I like to cook on charcoal. THOMAS But charcoal is so bad for you. The gases and toxins from the fire... OLD MAN I'm 83 years old and it ain't killed me yet. If a barbecue grill is goin' to be my demise, I say gimme a slab. OLD LADY (Laughs) OLD MAN And the corn bread that comes with it. CUT TO: SKINNY WOMAN I don't eat meat. THOMAS You don't eat meat. SKINNY WOMAN No. THOMAS But you cook your vegetables, right. SKINNY WOMAN Sometimes. They're better for you when they're raw. THOMAS It's the peel that's best for you. SKINNY WOMAN Not on a banana. THOMAS What? SKINNY WOMAN Do you eat banana peels? THOMAS (Confused) No. A banana is a fruit. SKINNY WOMAN So is a tomato. THOMAS It is? SKINNY WOMAN Do you like fruits and vegetables? THOMAS Uh, yeah. SKINNY WOMAN Do you like me? THOMAS (Stunned) Uh, I gotta go. CUT TO: BIG WOMAN I really don't think I need any new pots and pans anyway. CUT TO: MAN Just what is a lifetime warrantee? Whose lifetime are you talking about? CUT TO: MAN 1 (Holding a piece of China) I don't know, I think I like the pattern we saw at Noritake better. MAN 2 (HIS PARTNER) Yes, but it was twice as much. Plus this comes with the cookware. MAN 1 We don't need the cookware. I have a perfectly good set of Revere Ware. PARTNER Those copper bottoms burn everything. MAN 1 Not if you cook on low heat. PARTNER Excuse me? When was the last time you cooked anything? MAN 1 Forget it! Forget it! I'm not dealing with this. PARTNER I do all the cooking. She does nothing. MAN 1 Goodbye! (Stands and exits) I can't do this. You're just too controlling. I'm leaving. PARTNER Derek! Wait! CUT TO: Camera pans over family of three in a dumpy home. Woman holding baby and father with scruffy beard. He is smoking a cigarette. THOMAS I know you probably think that this is a lot of money. And it is. I'm not going to kid you. I know that it is. But it's a lot of quality. What you're looking at here is an excellent set of tableware that you can't buy in any store. Home demonstrations like this...this is the only way to get this pattern. The matching crystal, same thing. The... (baby starts crying) ...the crystal, I mean, the uh, stemware. That's the crystal, is hand blown in Germany. The tableware, pure surgical stainless steel. Like the cookware. Pure surgical stainless steel. Guaranteed for life. Mother passes father crying baby, he puts his cigarette in ashtray. It smolders. And that's why it's priced like this. You can't get this stuff just anywhere. This is a rare opportunity. They won't make this pattern forever. When they're gone, they're gone. (Crying baby is driving him crazy) You need to make a decision today. This is a six thousand dollar value. That's four thousand dollars off. It's the best package I have ever seen. All I need to do for you to have this, for you to have the pattern you want Sharon, that will make your wife happy to entertain at holidays for years to come, Kurt... KIRK Kirk THOMAS Sorry, Kirk. Sharon and Kirk. All I need to do is for you to tell me it's for you. Silence among adults. Baby cries. Nobody tries to stop it. Kirk drags his cigarette. Sharon picks up a spoon and puts it back down. She looks at Kirk and looks away. Thomas is frozen staring at them both. Baby still cries. KIRK We can finance this right? Sharon hugs Kirk and baby THOMAS Yeah, you can finance it. All we have to do is fill out this simple credit ap. KIRK No money down? THOMAS No. KIRK (Looks at Sharon, smiles) All right then. (Sharon kisses him) CUT TO: INT. OFFICE - DAY Thomas enters the office and walks past everyone straight to Doug's desk where he is talking to another salesman seated across from him. There is a moment of silence as they look at each other. Thomas places the paperwork on Doug's desk. THOMAS Full boat. DOUG ALL RIGHT! 2-1-4-9? Damn! We have a salesman here! There is a salesman in the building.
Copyright © 2002 Mike Rembis |