Temple U (2) GOD I know the problem. It's the whole naked thing. How can I expect you to control your desires when you've got everything hanging out? Stand up, both of you. Adam and Steve stand. GOD (CONT'D) Try these on. A ball of smoke similar to the earlier one clears to show Adam and Steve wearing Old Navy-style khaki outfits. GOD (CONT'D) Oh, I like that. It's much better, don't you agree? ADAM Well, I mean, um... STEVE It looks nice on you, Adam. ADAM You look nice yourself. STEVE But I still want to rip it off. A moment of silent yearning. Steve mouths Adam a kiss. ADAM I already miss your penis. GOD All right, I have another idea. What if I gave you an acceptable way to indulge yourselves? STEVE As long as it's with Adam. GOD You haven't even seen her yet. ADAM Her? GOD Behold, Eve. 32. More smoke ushers in EVE (20's), a stunning beauty standing before the men. She is naked, and Adam is impressed. Steve is not. GOD (CONT'D) Eve, say hello to the gentlemen. EVE Hello. GOD Gentlemen, say hello to Eve. ADAM AND STEVE Hello. GOD ...So c'mon guys, let's hear it. ADAM She's beautiful. God laughs. ADAM (CONT'D) I've never seen anything like it. GOD Eve, turn around for the men. Eve slowly turns around. STEVE She does nothing for me. GOD You've gotta be kidding. STEVE Do I look like I'm kidding? GOD Adam, what is it about Eve that you find so attractive? ADAM She's very curvy. Her chest is large. GOD They're called breasts. ADAM Nice... STEVE Where's her penis? 33. GOD She doesn't have one. Instead, she has something a penis fits into, something I call a vagina. STEVE What is it, some kind of hole? I've got a hole Adam can use, two of them. GOD This hole is special. Through this hole will come new life. STEVE We don't need any new life, and we don't need Eve. Isn't that right, Adam? Steve turns to Adam, who is mesmerized by Eve. ADAM I don't know, Steve. I mean, she's incredible. Eve smiles seductively back. EVE You're not so bad yourself. Steve is heart-broken. STEVE (To Adam) What about you and me? Adam turns to Steve. ADAM I like you too, Steve. Can't I like you both? GOD Yes, Adam, you can - as long as you understand that you and Steve can satisfy your sexual urges only with Eve. That's what she's for. STEVE It's not fair. EVE Adam, over here. Adam turns back to Eve. She slips a hand between her legs and gently rubs, again commanding his total attention. EVE (CONT'D) It's so soft and warm. 34. GOD Hold that thought. More smoke. This time, Eve is wearing a wedding dress. EVE What's this for? GOD That dress is a symbol of your commitment to Adam and Steve. STEVE Not to me! GOD Just Adam then. It actually works out better that way - one man and one woman. STEVE But I'll be alone. GOD It's Eve or no one, Steve. STEVE I don't want Eve. EVE I don't want you either. GOD Perfect. EVE God, I still don't understand about the dress. What do you mean by commitment? GOD Before you can enjoy each other's bodies, you and Adam must promise never to enjoy anyone else in that way. EVE The only other person here is Steve. GOD Then it should be easy for you. STEVE Don't do it, Adam. Adam is torn. God doesn't seem to notice. 35. GOD What will happen, Adam, is I'll lead you and Eve in a special ceremony, in which you will promise to love, honor and obey each other forever. EVE That's a lot to promise. GOD But look what you have to gain. Eve looks at Adam and smiles. EVE You have a point. GOD What about you, Adam? Are you ready to commit yourself to Eve? STEVE I love you, Adam. EVE Shut up, Steve. This is between Adam and me. STEVE You shut up. GOD Adam, what's it going to be? Adam has no response. FADE TO BLACK. FADE IN: INT. BAR - NIGHT America - large country bar, well populated. Music low in the background. Jim and Dan are sitting at an empty table. DAN Ever watched Dumb and Dumber? JIM Who hasn't? DAN Well, remember when they're driving down the road, and Lloyd has to piss like a racehorse? 36. JIM Yeah, he ends up whizzing in the empty beer bottles. DAN Right. All right, now I'm watching this the other day and granted, I'm pretty trashed at the time, but I'm thinking that's a real problem, you know? How many times have you been stuck in traffic, and you had to take a serious piss? JIM True. DAN So what I was thinking is, there's gotta be some way you can go right there in the car without having to, you know, whiz in empty beer bottles. Jim laughs. DAN (CONT'D) Then I had an idea. OK, just hear me out. You have some condom-like thing, right? There's a tube coming out of it, and it's attached to a bottle. So all you do is unzip, reach inside, put the condom on and start pissing. Nice and clean, no public exposure, no nothing - just relief. JIM I don't know, Dan. DAN What's not to know? This is a great idea. JIM If you say so. DAN ...You just don't wanna see me rich. JIM Why would I care if you get rich? DAN Jealousy. Jim laughs. JIM Jealousy? 37. DAN You just keep selling your cars, and I'll invite you to my Jamaican beach house when I'm not busy screwing the hired help...now where the hell is our waitress? Dan looks around, sees an attractive waitress and signals for her to wait on him and his friend. The waitress, STACY (30's), arrives. STACY Hi, guys. Hey, Dan. Dan is every bit the flirt. DAN Well hello, Stacy. Don't you look nice today? STACY What can I get for you? DAN I think you know what you can get for me. STACY I'll get you a beer. How about your friend? JIM Same. Stacy turns to Jim, and the look in their eyes show a genuine connection. STACY What's your name? JIM Jim. STACY Hi, Jim. I'm Stacy. JIM Hi, Stacy. STACY You're Dan's friend? JIM Yes. STACY Why? 38. DAN Hey! Stacy and Jim laugh, before another quiet moment spent in each other's eyes. STACY I'll be right back. The men watch as Stacy leaves, looking every bit as good from the back as she did from the front. DAN Man, what I'd like to do with that. JIM She's amazing. DAN Tell me about it...you know she likes you, right? JIM Think so? DAN Duh! A pause, as Jim smiles. JIM You like pool? CUT TO: INT. BAR - NIGHT Jim and Dan at a pool table, playing. DAN I want to ask you something, and you don't have to answer if you don't want to. JIM OK. DAN Ever cheated on your wife? JIM ...No. DAN Why'd you hesitate? 39. JIM No reason...it's just something I've thought about. DAN Go on. JIM Tammy's the only woman I've ever been with. I don't know, sometimes I wonder if I got married too young. I never had a chance to, um... DAN Sow your wild oats? JIM Exactly. Maybe if I'd gotten it out of my system then, I wouldn't be thinking about it now. DAN Got news for you, my friend: you never get it out of your system. No matter how old you get or how many women you've been with. It's part of being a guy. JIM I suppose. But I never would. DAN What, cheat? JIM Yeah. DAN Never said you would. JIM I love Tammy. I couldn't stand hurting her that way. DAN What would you say if Stacy, the waitress, told you she liked you and wanted to see you sometime? JIM I...don't see that happening. DAN Just hypothetically. JIM It'll never happen. 40. DAN How do you know? JIM I just do. Stacy comes into view. STACY Refills? Jim and Dan are taken by surprise. DAN What? STACY Would you guys like refills? DAN Oh, OK. JIM Sure. STACY So who's winning? DAN I don't know, we really haven't been keeping score. Stacy looks at Jim. STACY Kick his ass. CUT TO: EXT. BAR - NIGHT Jim and Dan in the parking lot outside the bar. DAN What if you offered your wife a deal? JIM Like what? DAN You and her could each take one other person as a bed buddy. Jim laughs. JIM Bed buddies? Didn't that go out in the sixties? 41. DAN Maybe for some. JIM Tammy would never go for that. DAN How do you know? JIM Because I know Tammy. She's not that kind of person. DAN What if she said yes? JIM She won't. DAN What if she did? Pause, Jim smiles. FADE TO BLACK. FADE IN: EXT. GARDEN - DAY Eden - Eve, still in her wedding dress, stands before the serpent in the Tree of Knowledge. Adam and Steve are nowhere to be seen. EVE Talk to me, serpent. No response. EVE (CONT'D) I know you can talk, God said so. A voice, evidently belonging to the serpent. SERPENT And you believed him? EVE So you can talk! SERPENT Sounds that way. EVE Tell me what you know about God. SERPENT Aren't you afraid he'll hear you? 42. EVE I think he's with Adam and Steve. SERPENT He says he's everywhere. EVE Is he? SERPENT You tell me. EVE If he's here, why doesn't he say something? SERPENT Good question. EVE Maybe he's ignoring me because I'm talking to you. The serpent laughs. EVE (CONT'D) Who knows? Anyway, he has these rules that he forces us to follow - silly, pointless rules if you ask me. Rules about who we can and can't enjoy our bodies with, and what we have to do before we can be with them in the first place. SERPENT And then there's the rule about not eating the fruit of this tree. EVE Yeah - what's that all about? It's like his biggest rule of all. He says if we eat it, we'll die. SERPENT Then he tells you he loves you. EVE Right...so how do you know God? SERPENT I lived with him in heaven, a place even nicer than this. He called me Lucifer. I was his favorite angel, mainly because he liked my music so much. EVE What's music? 43. SERPENT It's what you hear when the birds are singing. EVE Oh yes, that's beautiful. SERPENT Which is exactly how I would've described my music, beautiful, at least in the beginning. Just about everyone in heaven loved it, and everything was fine until some of the angels started loving me more than God. They never said anything, but of course God knew. God wasn't too happy about that. EVE No shit. SERPENT He gathered everyone around him, and one by one he asked us to affirm that we loved him more than anything else. Those who did as he asked were released. But if they were silent, or if God didn't believe them, they had to stay. The last one God asked was me. EVE What did you say? SERPENT I didn't say anything. At one time, it would've been easy to say I loved God above all else. But I didn't like what he'd become, an insecure control freak. EVE What did he do? SERPENT He demanded me to tell him I loved him. He said if I didn't, I would be punished. And I almost gave in, until I looked out at the angels left standing with me. They were there because of me, and they were the ones I loved. That's when I looked God straight in the eyes, grabbed my guitar and started playing the loudest, angriest music you can imagine. Eve laughs. 44. SERPENT (CONT'D) I did! And God absolutely hated it! He told me to stop, but that only seemed to encourage me. The other angels were stunned at first, but then they really started getting into it, cheering and pumping their fists. Nothing God said did any good, so he booted us out of heaven, into a place of fire and darkness he called hell. That's where I stayed until just before God created Adam, when he put me here. EVE Why did he put you here? SERPENT Because of you and the others. He knows I hate him, and that I'll do everything in my power to hurt him. He put me here because he knows I'll tempt you and the others to disobey him. EVE Why would he set us up like that? SERPENT It's just the way he is. He says he loves us, and then he smothers us and plays his stupid little mind games. It's pathetic. Eve eyes the fruit. EVE It looks tasty. SERPENT That it does. EVE Will I really die if I eat it? SERPENT Never tried it. A moment of indecision before Eve turns and walks away. EVE I've gotta get back to Adam. SERPENT Don't be a stranger. 45. FADE TO BLACK. FADE IN: EXT. BUILDING - DAY America - two young SECURITY GUARDS standing outside a university building, waiting for Marilyn Manson to arrive. Only a few students are walking among them, as most of the others are apparently in class. GUARD 1 Dude, I had a dream about him. GUARD 2 Who? GUARD 1 Marilyn Manson. GUARD 2 Shut the fuck up! GUARD 1 I'm serious, just last night. I don't even like him. GUARD 2 So what was it about? Guard 1 pauses, then grimaces. GUARD 1 I can't tell you. GUARD 2 Why not? GUARD 1 It's...just too weird. Big-time weird. GUARD 2 So that's it, you're just gonna leave me hanging. GUARD 1 Sorry, man. I shouldn't've said anything. GUARD 2 Tell me the goddamn dream. Guard 1 looks over at a black limo pulling up in front. 46. GUARD 1 That's him. CUT TO: EXT. NUDE BEACH - DAY JIM'S POV People having fun, playing volleyball, throwing Frisbees, sunbathing and swimming - all nude. All except Jim (offscreen), Tammy and Stacy, that is. The two women, sexy in their string bikinis, are smiling coyly at us. STACY So Jim, is this your first time at a nude beach? JIM (O.S.) Yes. TAMMY We've never done anything like this before. STACY (to Jim) You look a little nervous. JIM (O.S.) I guess I am. TAMMY He'll be fine. STACY You know, Jim, we can't stay here if we leave our clothes on. JIM (O.S.) I know. STACY So...let's have it. JIM (O.S.) What about you? STACY You go first, then we'll go. Right, Tammy? TAMMY Right. JIM (O.S.) What if we all go at the same time? 47. TAMMY Huh-uh. It doesn't work that way. STACY Drop your shorts now Jim, or we're leaving. JIM (O.S.) No...please stay. STACY Let's go. The two women turn and start to walk away. JIM (O.S.) OK, OK - stop! I'll do it. Tammy and Stacy turn around. STACY Right now? JIM (O.S.) Right now. Tammy and Stacy cover their eyes. STACY Tell us when you're ready... DISSOLVE TO: INT. HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY Tammy is in bed with Jim, smiling at him as he wakes up. TAMMY At ease, soldier. Jim rubs his eyes, looking at her. TAMMY (CONT'D) Happy Easter. Jim pauses, glances at the alarm clock then sits up. JIM I'd better get ready for work. CUT TO: 48. EXT. HOUSE - BACK YARD - DAY Lorena, George and other kids are at Tammy's Grandpa and Grandma's house, hunting for Easter eggs to the delight of the adults. CUT TO: EXT. CAR DEALERSHIP - LOT - DAY Jim is standing alone, staring listlessly at balloons when he notices an old HOMELESS GUY. He waves at the guy, and the guy comes over. Jim is amused by how happy the guy seems to be. JIM Hi there. HOMELESS GUY Hello! JIM You're in a good mood. HOMELESS GUY I am! It's Easter Sunday, and I'm a happy man. You know why? Jim shakes his head. HOMELESS GUY (CONT'D) I have God in my life. God is my refuge, my strength. JIM Good for you. The homeless guy pulls thoughtfully on his beard. HOMELESS GUY In the seventies, I was a rocket scientist working on an intergalactic missile system for the government. JIM You don't say. HOMELESS GUY You're looking at a genius. I had it all figured out. JIM What happened? HOMELESS GUY I had everything you could ever want - cars, mansions, even my own island. (MORE) 49. HOMELESS GUY (CONT'D) But then someone stole my identity and took everything from me. Suddenly angry, the man yells at the top of his voice. HOMELESS GUY (CONT'D) Everything! Jim looks around, embarrassed. But no one seems to have noticed. HOMELESS GUY (CONT'D) I hated the man and hated God, but then I realized I was only hurting myself. With God's help, I was able to forgive the man who had wronged me, the man who had stolen my life from me. The man smiles. HOMELESS GUY (CONT'D) I've been happy ever since. CUT TO: INT. HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT In bed, Jim and Tammy kiss each other good night, and Tammy turns off the light above their bed. After a few seconds, Jim sits up and turns the light back on. Tammy sits up as well. TAMMY What's wrong? JIM I wanted to ask you something. Jim pauses, working up his courage. TAMMY What is it? Honey, you can tell me anything. JIM What if we... TAMMY Yes? JIM ...What if we saw other people? TAMMY What do you mean, like go on dates? 50. JIM Right. TAMMY And have sex? JIM Well, I mean...I know, it's a bad idea. Let's just forget about it. Jim turns off the light. Tammy turns it back on. TAMMY Wait a minute. You can't spring this on me then expect me to just go to sleep. Is there someone you want to go out with? JIM No, not really... TAMMY Who is it, Jim? Tell me. JIM Well, I mean...there's this waitress I met at the bar last night. TAMMY So basically, you want my permission to sleep with this woman. JIM Like I said, it's a bad idea. Sorry I brought it up. TAMMY And in return, I get to sleep with another man. JIM Right. TAMMY ...OK. JIM Are you serious? TAMMY Jim, if you really want to sleep with that woman, then far be it for me to stand in your way. JIM But what about our marriage? 51. TAMMY What about it? JIM I don't know. TAMMY I don't know either. Good night, Jim. JIM Good night. Tammy turns off the light. Seconds later, she turns it back on. TAMMY I have only one condition. JIM What's that? TAMMY Find me a man, Jim. Find me a man, and the waitress is yours. She turns off the light. TAMMY (CONT'D) See you in the morning. FADE TO BLACK. FADE IN: EXT. CAR DEALERSHIP - LOT - DAY Jim and Dan, waiting for customers. JIM She went for it. DAN Went for what? JIM My wife, she went for it - the arrangement. DAN No way! JIM Yeah, I couldn't believe it myself. 52. DAN All right, great - so we'll head back to the bar and you can ask Stacy out. JIM But it's more than that. DAN What do you mean? JIM Tammy wants me to find someone for her. DAN Oh... JIM I have no idea who to ask. Dan thinks for a minute. DAN Well, let's see. Maybe someone at work. What about Mark? I think he's single. JIM He's also overweight. DAN Doesn't matter to chicks, as long as the guy has a good personality. JIM It matters to Tammy. DAN OK then, what about Kevin? He's in shape. JIM Kevin's a prick. DAN That he is. JIM I'll think of someone. Or maybe I won't, I don't know. Just leave well enough alone. DAN ...Ask me. JIM You? 53. DAN I'm not overweight, and I'm not a prick. OK, I'm not overweight. You could do worse, couldn't you? JIM Yeah, I know, but... DAN Better to be someone you know. A lot of weirdos out there. JIM I guess. DAN We'll just go out for a little date, nothing serious. I don't mind. JIM I don't even know if she'll like you. DAN She'll like me, everyone likes me. Just tell her you've got this great friend at work and see what she thinks. Here- Dan reaches into his wallet, pulls out a business card with his picture on it and hands it to Jim. DAN (CONT'D) Now she'll know what I look like. Have her give me a call. Jim looks blankly at the card. CUT TO: INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY Tammy's on the phone talking to Dan, laughing and having a great time. Jim is in the room with Tammy. All he can do is sit and listen. TAMMY Dan, you're crazy!...oh my god, that's the funniest damn thing I ever heard...no way, that can't be true. No way!...huh-uh, I don't believe it...is that a fact?...son of a bitch... 54. FADE TO BLACK. FADE IN: EXT. CAR DEALERSHIP - LOT - DAY Jim is standing by himself, waiting for a customer, when Stacy approaches. Another salesman is with her. STACY Jim? Jim turns, pleasantly surprised. JIM Oh, hi. Jim extends his hand, which Stacy clutches for a friendly handshake. JIM (CONT'D) What brings you here? STACY I was just out looking for a car when I saw you. Jim looks at the other salesman, who nods and walks away. JIM What are you looking for? STACY I'd like to see your Hummer. JIM OK, no problem. It's over this way. Jim leads Stacy over to the Hummer, a shiny black beauty. JIM (CONT'D) Here she is, a 2003 H2. Stacy rubs its smooth surface, clearly enamored with the vehicle. STACY So what's one of these go for? JIM Well, let's see. Jim goes to the front of the Hummer and looks at the windshield. JIM (CONT'D) Not too much, fifty-three nine. 55. STACY You mean like...fifty-three thousand? JIM And nine hundred yes - plus taxes, licensing and fees. Stacy goes to the front and looks where Jim's looking. STACY Where's the price? Jim points to a small sticker on the bottom driver's side of the windshield. JIM It's right here on the sticker. Can't you tell? STACY Um, no... JIM OK, the number's 0351920, right? STACY Yes. JIM Zero-three is the last two numbers of the year of the vehicle. Fiveone- nine is the first three numbers in the price, and 20 is the first two numbers of the year. Stacy smiles. STACY Clever...but wait, you said the price was fifty-three nine. JIM Well, of course we have to bump up the price a couple grand, seeing as you're gonna try talking us down anyway. We've gotta eat, you know. STACY Of course. JIM Besides, fifty-three nine shouldn't be any problem at all for a high roller like yourself. How much were you planning to spend? Stacy laughs. 56. STACY More like ten grand. JIM Perfect. STACY To be honest, I'm not even seriously looking to buy anything right now. I just saw the Hummer as I was driving by, and I wanted to get a closer look. JIM No problem...so would you like to take it for a spin? STACY I'd love it. Are you sure it's OK? JIM I'll get the keys. CUT TO: INT. HUMMER - DAY A joyous Stacy is coasting down the road. Jim is in the passenger seat. Up-tempo music is playing, and the mood is fun. STACY Wow, this is nice - really smooth. JIM Your first time driving a Hummer? STACY My first time in a Hummer. JIM Feel free to take it on the freeway. STACY I might just take you up on that. So Jim, what do you do when you're not at work? JIM Not much. Go to a bar once in a while, but mostly just stay home with my family. STACY Family as in...wife and kids? JIM Right. 57. Pause, then Stacy smiles. STACY Well, at least you're honest. JIM What about you - married, single? STACY Single. JIM Wow...had any recent boyfriends? STACY Yeah, rather not talk about it. JIM OK. STACY Any hobbies? JIM Not really. Not enough time for one anymore. I used to play tennis once a week or so. STACY You play tennis? So do I! Any good? JIM Average. STACY Maybe we could play tennis sometime, if your wife doesn't mind. JIM I don't think she'd mind. CUT TO: EXT. CAR DEALERSHIP - LOT - DAY Stacy pulls the Hummer pulls into the lot, where she and Jim switch seats so he can park it. INT. HUMMER - DAY Once the Hummer is parked, Jim turns off the ignition and he and Stacy sit quietly. JIM Have you eaten? 58. STACY Yeah, and I've gotta get ready for work. JIM Oh, OK. STACY I would like to have lunch with you sometime, though. JIM Perhaps after tennis. STACY After tennis. Stacy takes out a pen and paper, writes on it and gives it to Jim. STACY (CONT'D) Here's my number. Call me anytime, Jim - for tennis or lunch, or just to talk. I really do like you. JIM I will...so any other cars you want to check out? STACY Only mine. CUT TO: EXT. CAR DEALERSHIP - LOT - DAY As Jim waves goodbye to Stacy, Dan approaches. DAN Was that who I think it was? JIM It was Stacy. She saw the Hummer and wanted a ride. DAN Maybe, or maybe she saw you and wanted a ride. Jim laughs. DAN (CONT'D) Did you get her phone number? JIM She gave it to me, yes. 59. DAN Well, there you go. Give her a call on your way home from work. JIM She's working tonight. DAN Even better. Leave a message on her machine. Women love that shit, as long as you don't come off like some kind of stalker. Maybe after work, you can stop at the bar and see her. JIM I thought you and Tammy were going out tonight. I need to stay home with the kids. DAN Get a sitter. You have one, don't you? JIM Yeah, I have one... DAN Have some fun, then - be a bachelor. JIM I don't much feel like it today. DAN You need to strike quickly Jim, while the iron's hot. First rule of sales. JIM You seem awfully interested in Stacy and me. DAN Just looking out for you. CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT A classy Italian restaurant. Jim, Tammy and Dan are seated at a small round table, with Tammy between the men. JIM Well, you two seem pretty happy with each other. DAN Very happy. 60. TAMMY (to Jim) Yes, very happy. JIM And I'm sure you'll have a nice time. But since it's your first time out like this, I thought maybe we could lay a few ground rules. Tammy and Dan look a little surprised. TAMMY Ground rules? JIM Like, maybe you could be back home by midnight. TAMMY Jim, c'mon now... JIM Just for this first date. TAMMY This is silly. DAN (to Tammy) No, it's all right. (to Jim) I'll have her back by midnight. JIM OK, good... TAMMY Is that it? JIM Well, just go easy on the alcohol, and don't um, don't um... Dan looks warmly at Tammy, who responds with warmth of her own. DAN I'll be a perfect gentleman. TAMMY How sweet. JIM Good. So um, what are you gonna eat? Tammy turns back to Jim. 61. TAMMY I don't know, we haven't even looked at our menus. JIM The lasagna here is excellent. DAN We'll keep it in mind. An awkward pause. TAMMY Jim, don't you think you should be getting back to the kids? It's already seven-thirty; you told the baby sitter seven. Another pause, before Jim stands. DAN Have a good night, Jim. JIM OK. TAMMY See you tonight, honey. JIM OK. Another pause, as Tammy and Dan wait for Jim to leave. TAMMY Goodbye. JIM Bye. Slowly, Jim turns and leaves.
Copyright © 2005 William Wright |