Making Connections (2)
- U KNOW WHY WE HERE? - Again the headshake, Jo realizing that he knew no more than she. So what to ask him then, what did she want to know about her new "friend"? She erased and wrote again, looking at her note, frowning, then erasing the "O" in "DO" with the side of her right hand, replacing it with an "ID", then raising her board again. - WHERE DID YOU LIVE? - She sat there sipping as he wrote, anxious to know for some reason. Not that it mattered in the slightest now, but she wanted to feel some connection back to the planet, to the place of her birth, of her life, not certain where inside or outside of space and time they were now, peering at his board as he raised it in the dim light.... - MIDDLETOWN, OHIO - Middletown, Ohio...Anyplace, USA...Jo almost laughed, smiling back at him. Middletown, Ohio... Hell, she had never in her life been west of a little town called Ripley, New York, just on the border between New York and Pennsylvania, smack up against Lake Erie, must less as far west as Middletown. And even Ripley was a one-time shot visit at that, going there once when she was seven, her father dragging her along to a high school football game, wanting to follow the home team, her mother unable to watch her at home. She had sat in the front seat with him on the long drive, listening to him go on and on about the team's chances that year, the players and the coach (a hero of Dad's), and what they needed to do to win this "big game", hearing his voice getting more and more excited as they approached the Ripley football field. She had stood next to him in the makeshift stands the whole game, too short to see much, none of her younger friends having made the long trip, her Dad afraid to leave her alone, to run loose with the kids from the other school. She stood there listening to him yell, sometimes to scream, understanding the words, but not their meanings, phrases like " he's offsides!", "that's interference, ref!!", and "run the end-around" so much gibberish to her. But her dad was excited, thus so was she. She had particularly enjoyed the "halftime" when he showed her how to stomp her feet to keep warm and gave her a few sips from his styrofoam coffee cup, after walking with him to the small concession stand to get it, that, and a small soda and lukewarm hotdog for herself. She remembered him getting more and more excited as the game wore on, apparently a close one from his reactions and those of the crowd around them. When she finally heard the sound of a loud, long whistle, the crowd erupting around her, her dad waving his fists in the air, she knew "their" team had won. Then the long walk to the car, the longer ride home, her father quiet, but happy, his voice almost gone, sitting in the warm car and listening to the songs on the radio. He had smiled at her when she looked up at him and asked what a "first down" was, but hadn't answered her, telling her he would explain as soon as his voice came back, but seeming pleased that she had even asked. They had arrived home finally, her mom asking them how the game had been, her dad simply saying "Great!", her parroting him with a "Great!" of her own. And it HAD been great. She and her father had connected that day, in way that they never had before, and in a way that they never would again. A tear came to Jo's eyes as she remembered this...all this from just the name of a place that she had never heard of on a small blackboard. She looked back up at Jeremy then, her eyes thanking him for somehow dredging up one good memory about her parents, knowing that she would never have remembered without the prompt of his words. Smiling finally at the warm feeling from such a pleasant memory, Jo wrote her answer to the question on her blackboard, not sure exactly what to write as she had moved so much in the last few years and had been attending college as well, finally scrawling... - N. JERSEY - figuring he'd understand. And from his smile she was certain he had, raising his board again. - WHICH EXIT? - Jo had to laugh then, her first laugh since she'd...well, since she had died. Such an old joke, too...god! She shook her fist at him then, as if threatening him with bodily harm for such lameness, although she was still laughing, completely surprised at how much better she felt now than only a few moments before. She saw Jeremy stop smiling and begin to write in earnest for a second. - HOW DID YOU DIE?? - This question shocked her, coming so quickly on the humor and frivolity of the last one. But it was a fair question. She started to write "David left me", but realized that Jeremy would not know who David was, crossing it out and replacing it with "My boyfriend left me". But for some reason that didn't sound quite right either. After all, David hadn't forced the pills on her, so why blame him completely. And what about her relationship, or lack thereof, with her parents, her officemates?? That was part of the mix too. Erasing her board, she tried again. - PILLS, I WAS DUMB, I QUIT - Jeremy stared at her for a while, nodded, then began to write, apparently knowing that she would want his answer to his own question, the rules of this chat starting to take shape. She watched and she read as he wrote board after board, seemingly needing to explain. - I WAS IN A FUNK - (She could relate to that) - MOVING FROM 1 PARENTS - - TO ANOTHER, FL to OH - (Her parents should've separated, too) - JST WNTED GET IT OVER - (She could imagine) - JUST KEPT PUSHING ON - - WAS SO TIRED BUT DID - - I SMASHED INTO TREE - He stopped writing then, looking at her. She simply nodded, a bit confused. She had somehow gotten it into her mind that this was a bistro for suicides, a way station or possibly a final destination, but just for suicides. Jeremy's death hadn't been suicide, had it?? Well, in a way maybe, driving while that tired is often suicidal and is certainly very stupid. Jo shuddered at her sudden epiphany, suddenly aware that this place may not be for only suicide deaths, but for what the universe considered stupid, useless deaths, suicide simply being a subset of that. Sooo, the universe considered her death a stupid thing then, huh? She was startled to find that she could not disagree now. She looked up to see his board back in the air, his smile back as well. - FAV COLOR, BLUE - Jo smiled, seeing where this might be heading. - PINK...MY TURN - - LUCKY NUMBER, 26 - - 9... FAV YEAR?? - This one stopped Jo for a second, making her think, her mind scanning through the rolodex of years, finally stopping on....ahhh, yess...1994. She had turned 15 that year at the end of an enjoyably warm summer...it was the first year she made the varsity cheerleading squad, the last year she made the Honor Roll, the year she first met David, and the last year that her parents had loved her... - 1994, YOU?? - - 1988 - She wondered at his reasons for picking that year, realizing that would make him about the same age as she was for her own pick, wondering if that was the last year his parents were together, or a girlfriend or sports thing like hers. Wondering...the small blackboards so slow, so limiting, but at least something, all they were going to get it seemed, but enough...enough to chat, to connect, to make their minds work and remember, to learn something about each other, or in her case, maybe something about herself...enough to keep her from feeling so desperately alone in this god-forsaken bar. They continued their slow-motion chat for a long time, or times, or times beyond that. Neither of them knew how long, could tell how long, nor even cared how long. Using the "The Way We Were" Q & A method they found out many things about each other, letting the other's imagination and general knowledge fill in the blanks that the blackboard and chalk writings could not. - FAV VEGGIE? - BROCCOLI - - EWWW, CARROTS - FAV FB TEAM?? - - GO, BUCS! - - NOO, BILLS!!! - - FAV VACATION? - Jo had asked this question without ever having considered what her own response would be, seeing Jeremy's response... - DISNEY WORLD 1986 - and smiling. Lord!! She had never even been to Orlando, having always wanted to go there as well, wondering briefly again what aspects of the trip made it good for him, realizing she would never know, but content simply to imagine. She began to think of her own answer then, not having taken too many of what one would call vacations, she figured it would be easy. And it was. - ATLANTIC CITY 1997 - She and David had both just turned 18, very much in love then. They had planned a short trip over the Columbus Day holiday to Atlantic City, with him booking them a cheap room, and her sneaking away from the house, leaving only a short note to tell her parents she would be "Gone for 3 days, see ya Tues.". They had gone into a few casinos, gambled a little money, cheering wildly when the other won, commiserating with each other when they lost, mainly watching the other gamblers and their wild outfits and crazy idiosyncracies during the day, not having much money of their own to waste. At night they would go hand in hand down the boardwalk wherever they felt safe, not talking much, knowing most of each others stories already, having lived roughly the same lives, just walking, touching, occasionally stopping to kiss or hug, a warm October ocean breeze blowing around them as they hid from the world in each other's arms. They hid in them at their motel room afterwards as well, only this time more passionately, with a sexual fervor that surprised them both, their lovemaking moving past the grab and grope of their early encounters and not yet to the perfunctory and cold manipulations of their last. It had been a glorious three days, the trip of her lifetime, but afterwards it had created problems...problems with her parents for sneaking out, problems with her girlfriends when she went on and on about how great the trip had been, leaving them jealous and frustrated, and problems finally, with her relationship with David, himself. After that trip, she had started (and probably he as well) to hold up every event, every conversation, every hug, squeeze, kiss, and fuck against the perfection of that magical weekend, and always, always found it wanting. It was stupid thing to do, she knew it, it wasn't fair to either of them, but she couldn't help it. She could see it starting to affect their relationship, but instead of stopping her comparisons, she began to dirty and cheapen their trip, to "lower the bar", and later, when the relationship really started to sour, she angrily blamed the trip, shunned it, as the beginning of all her problems. But for right now, here with Jeremy, at the prompt of her own question, she remembered that vacation weekend clean and pure, uncluttered by the foul-ups of her later life. The love, the lust, the sweetness of it, the feel of David's arms around her, the feeling that they were truly one mind/one body, both during sex and just when walking hand in hand, the touch so much more eloquent than the word...she remembered. She remembered it all now, felt it, beginning to cry, her head in her hands, thinking of David, remembering him for the first time in a long time with joy and happiness, and not just longing and need, crying softly, but still glad here at the end to have such a wonderful memory returned to her, to allow her to remember David as he deserved to be remembered... with love. Such a small board...and so few words...but so powerful, thanking god now that Jeremy had shown it to her, chosen her to "talk" to with it, saddened in a way, knowing that they could never truly talk, sit next to each other and converse, but happy for what it had given her. She sat there, looking up at him again, smiling, blinking back the tears, as her eyes reopened after one blink startled to see a man standing behind Jeremy, dressed all in white, his face set but not grim, his hands on Jeremy's shoulders, lifting up. She saw Jeremy grip the edge of the table, as if to resist, then relaxing, accepting whatever was about to happen to him, watching him smile, mouthing words to her as he stood. She could not make them out and desperately put her hand to her ear, shaking her head, to indicate that she had not heard them. He mouthed them again, slower, clearer this time. And this time she "heard". "I LOVE YOU" She blinked again then, and when her eyes reopened, he was gone. Jo sat there staring at his table for a time, knowing he was gone, refusing to accept that fact for a moment, turning to search the room, knowing that it was futile. She saw the forlorn bulemic sitting there, staring at her drink, the matron gone now as well, the old man still staring off into space, fingering his shotgun. She slumped back in her chair then, despondent and alone, the emptiness and the ache in her heart returning again, wondering what to do, what to think, wondering where Jeremy had gone. She could feel the universe pulling at her now, from all different directions. Back...maybe to her body, although she doubted that still, maybe back to be a beetle or a goat, if the Hindu's were right. Up..hopefully to some higher plane, maybe to heaven, hoping against hope that that's where Jeremy had gone. Down...to a horrible place, a place more depressing than this, maybe into the living darkness just outside the door, shuddering at the thought. And Forward...to another way station, firmly convinced now that that was what this bistro was, maybe forward to just a new step up or down on some purgatorial ladder. She didn't know, and barely cared now, which direction she went, feeling somehow that the universe was still undecided about her fate, but ready to accept it, as Jeremy had done, wherever it took her. But still, she had no idea of when her time would come, if ever, and what to do here and now, to make it bearable, to take away the pain. She thought for a long time, trying to think of what to do, of how to feel, remembering the fear when she entered, feeling the emptiness now. She remembered their long chat, the way Jeremy had filled the hole in her heart with comradery and the warm memories he had invoked, feeling the hole again now that he was gone, somehow smaller though, and with a sudden thought, deciding that the former was well worth the latter, realizing that even though he was gone, she still had her memories of him and those warm memories of her parents and David, rather than just the bitter, awful ones she had when she first entered the room. Jo let those good memories wash over her now, each one prompting a new one, then another after that, and remembering every question, answer, and joke from her chat with Jeremy. She collected these and held them to her heart, filling the hole there, suddenly not so alone, not so afraid. So what to do now?? Hadn't Jeremy chosen her, hadn't Jeremy taught her, hadn't Jeremy given her a gift beyond measure, one to ease her way into whatever the fates or the gods had in store for her? Could she do no less than he? Firmly resolved now, she reached for the blackboard and chalk again, beginning to write, her penmanship sure and firm, resolved to do in death that thing which she had forgotten how to do in life, to reach out, to touch, to maybe help someone else, and in the process, maybe help herself as well. She could do this, she WOULD do this, for Jeremy, and for herself. Jo adjusted her chair then, turning, waving her hand to catch the startled attention of the young bulemic girl, then waving it as if to say hello, holding up her small blackboard in her left hand, the long white chalk in her right...and smiling. - MY NAME IS JO -
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