Doctor Trek - Sammy's War (3) "It's from Sammy!" Who cried. "Oh, no," the vibrator looked down. "I don't like him." "You don't like anybody," Fred snapped. "Yes, that's true," Frobisher conceded. "Oh, no!" Who put his hands to his face in shock. "It's Ms Wok and Ian! They've been kidnapped!" Frobisher changed into a radio and gave a loud, dramatic "Der Der DER!" noise. "Thank you, Frobisher," Who frowned. CHAPTER SIX Wok woke up to find herself in a large, air-conditioned office, facing a desk. There was someone behind the desk, his chair with it's back turned to her, and she could see him stroking a white cat. "There, pussy..." he soothed. "Ooh, nice pussy..." Wok tried to move, but found she was securely fastened to her chair by an invisible force. "Ah, Ms Wok. You have awoken. Just when I was getting tired of waiting for this pussy to stir." "Where am I?" Ms Wok demanded. "Where's Ian?" "He's safe... for the moment. As for you, you are in the office of the Managing Director of Channel 7 television. That's me, that is," he boasted. "And you are?" Ms Wok demanded. "My staff know me as Richard Head. But you, my dear, know me under a different moniker lewinsky. To you, I am known..." he swivelled in his chair, and Ms Wok gave a gasp of shocked recognition, "as the Great Idiot!" "Ah," Wok nodded. "Surprised?" the Great Idiot inquired. "A little," Wok conceded. "Oh, goody. I do love to surprise people," the Great Idiot cackled evilly. "Especially my enemies." "What are you doing here?" Wok demanded. "Running a television station, overyhyping a football team to the point of nausea, slapping a watermark on all our programs in order to infuriate every viewer, taking 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' off-air every chance I get..." the Great Idiot mused. "And yourself?" "I was kidnapped," Wok fumed. "By you, it appears." "Ah, yes." "What do you want with me?" Ms Wok questioned. "Isn't it obvious?" the Great Idiot smiled. "We've a score to settle, you and I. And most especially with your old friend, Captain James T. Who." "But I'm not even with the Captain anymore," Wok protested. "Oh, I know, I know," the Great Idiot purred. "But I'm sure that your friend Sammy Davis Jnr - oh yes, I know who HE is - is calling him for help as we speak. And if I know our Captain Who, he'll be on his way to help before you can say 'Engage the Zeeg Quong Kloo Positron Feeback Neutron Flow Hyperspace Drive'. My, what a long sentence." "How did you even know where to find me?" Wok inquired. "Ian and I have only been here a few days." "I found you in late 1996," the Great Idiot growled. "I was just preparing to move in on you when you and that... strangely hunky husband of yours just ... left. Buggered off. Through time and space, no less. But I've had my spies out for you ever since. I knew you'd be back to see Ian's family. It was just a matter of time." "I suppose when you've waited a millennia, another two years is nothing," Wok mused. "A millennia?" the Great Idiot frowned. "My dear, what are you talking about?" "Well, isn't that how long you've been here?" Ms Wok demanded. "The Captain exiled you to prehistoric Australia, didn't he?" "The Captain is an utter boob," the Great Idiot sneered. "He screwed up my punishment, just like he screws up everything else. He sent me to Australia, alright. But not a millennia in the past. Ten days into the future." "What?!" Wok gasped. "That's right, my dear," the Great Idiot leered. "Your teleport cubicle deposited me in South Australia, July 28 - 1991." "That's only seven and a half years ago!" Wok scoffed. "Goodness, what are you whining about? Sounds to me like you got off easy." "Easy?" the Great Idiot rose to his feet, his face a mask of black fury. "EASY?! Prehistory would have to be better than 90's Australia! Do you know what it's been like, having to spend over seven years - HERE?!" he screamed angrily. "Let me tell you about my seven and a half years in Australia. For that matter, let me tell you about AUSTRALIANS. The most loathsome, sub-human species I have ever encountered in all my travels throughout the universe!" "You're exaggerating, surely," Ms Wok scoffed. "Exaggerating? EXAGGERATING?!?!?!" There were tears in the Great Idiot's eyes now. "Australians - so friendly on the outside, so utterly FAKE on the inside. So devoid of friendship, loyalty, humour, common sense or simple humanity of any kind that they send shivers of terror through the Klingleks, for God's sake! That vacuous smile, those empty eyes - devoid of life or intelligence, that "No worries" response. God, if I hear that one more time, I think I'll lose whatever sanity I have left! They are OBSESSED with sport, obsessed to the point where there have been WEEKS where I have never heard any of them talk about anything else!" Ms Wok winced in sympathy at this. "They are incapable of performing the simplest of tasks, incompetence almost as an art form. And they're so HUNKY, so homophobically MACHO, to the extent you have to wonder what it is they're trying to PROVE... and that's just the WOMEN!" the Great Idiot laughed manically. "Did I mention that I've conducted a brain scan of almost every Australian female in the country? I'm nearly 100% complete, and I'm yet to find a single HETEROSEXUAL among them!" he roared. "They're lesbians, dykes, carpet munchers, muff gobblers, whatever you want to call them, it all still adds up to one thing : NO SEX FOR ME!" "Oh, my God," Wok looked shocked and humbled. "I'm so sorry. I really am. I didn't realise..." "I don't want your pity," the Great Idiot snapped, taking deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. He opened his desk, removing an odd-looking weapon, and aimed it at Wok. "You're going to kill me, aren't you?" Ms Wok asked, oddly calm. "No," the Great Idiot shook his head. "The Captain, certainly. But only after I've wrecked his life, ruined his friends' lives, turned this beloved planet Earth of his to cinders... Then I'll kill him. No, Ms Wok, you're not going to die... but I am going to punish you." He fired. Ms Wok tensed. Strange beams entered her body, but seemed to have no effect. "Well, that worked." "Oh, it did, Ms Wok, it did," the Great Idiot beamed. "What is that thing, anyway?" Wok questioned. "It's a Transmogrification Beam," the Great Idiot beamed. "Just like the Transmogrification Beam your friend Jip used on you a few years ago." "Jip?" Ms Wok frowned, then looked up in alarm. "That thing..." "Is going to do to you what he did, yes. But in reverse this time," the Great Idiot smiled broadly. "In a few hours time, Ms Wok will once again become... Mr Wok. Aren't you happy? Aren't I a nice guy?" he chuckled. "I'm sure your husband will be... delighted." Ms Wok stared in horror as the Great Idiot broke into a burst of evil laughter. Sammy looked up and smiled in relief as the familiar shape of the teleport cubicle materialised in the Kidd house. Captain Who climbed out, followed by a young woman carrying a vibrator. Sammy looked at her oddly. "It's Frobisher," she explained. Sammy nodded, none too convinced. "Frobisher, change shape," Who instructed. Frobisher shifted into the form of an umbrella, and Who took it from Fred and tucked it into his own pocket. "Sammy - Fred, Fred - Sammy." He turned. "It's good to see you again, Sammy." "You too, Captain," Sammy nodded. "Now," Who sat down, "tell me everything that's been going on. EVERYTHING." "Why are you doing this to me?" Wok demanded. "Two reasons," the Great Idiot smiled. "One - revenge on you, for your part in my downfall. And two - revenge on the Captain. Because the more his friends suffer, the more HE suffers." "Great," Wok nodded. "Just great." "You say your attackers were human 'Crows'?" Who began. 'What are they - a genetic mutation? Or some sort of cult that worships birds?" "Er - neither, Captain," Sammy saidm with a slight smile. "Although 'cult' may not be an exaggeration. The Crows are a football team, an Australian Rules Football team. Myself, I think they're utterly loathsome, but according to Mrs Kidd, they've got a following in this country that borders on the religious." "Mm," Who frowned. "Can I see these... 'Crows'?" Sammy looked at his watch. "They're probably on tv. Mrs Kidd says Channel 7 seem to play little else these days." He switched on the tv, and turned it to Channel 7. There was a Crows AFL match playing. "That's not proper football," Frobisher commented from Who's pocket. "That's the poofter version." Who peered at the screen, apparently fascinated. "I think I... FEEL something," he commented. Sammy looked at him. "Someone get me out of this pocket!" Frobisher screamed. "What is it, Captain?" Fred urged. "I don't know," Who rubbed his forehead. "But my sixth sense is tingling. Watching these 'Crows', I'm getting a distinct feeling of... of...." "Of?" Sammy urged. Who frowned. "Evil," he said. "Can I ask you a question?" Wok inquired. "No, I'm afraid I don't have any spare jockstraps," the Great Idiot laughed. "Is that you wanted to ask?" "No," Wok gave him a chilly stare. "It's just... weren't you at my wedding? Only I have a distinct memory of you being there. You said you were now called the Extraordinary Idiot, and you'd turned over a new leaf. So what the hell happened?" "That wasn't me," the Great Idiot replied curtly. "It was a clone of me. I created him, thinking it would be handy to have two of me around. One for the week, and one for Sunday best. Unfortunately, my clone turned out to be a bit of a nancy boy. He wanted to be NICE, for God's sake. I was gravely disappointed... so I killed him," he chuckled. "Did you see what I just did there? Gravely... killed... you see?" "I see," Ms Wok said patronisingly. "Brilliant. Quite brilliant." "I thought so," the Great Idiot beamed. Ms Wok suddenly started in alarm, and her hands grabbed at her chest. "Oh my God!" she shrieked. "The beam's started working! My breasts have completely disappeared!" "Oh, please," the Great Idiot leered. "Like they were that big to start with." "What are we going to do?" Sammy asked of the Captain. "We've still had no contact from the kidnappers," Who mused. "So I'm afraid this "Crows" link may be the only clue we have to Ian and Ms Wok's whereabouts." He made up his mind. "We're going to visit these 'Crows' in person." Who's brow furrowed in concentration. "I have a bad feeling about this, my friends. I fear we may be in only the opening moves of a very deadly game." There was an ominous pause. "He's so melodramatic," Fred sighed. Ms Wok gave a little scream. The Great Idiot looked up. "What is it?" "I..." Wok reached down her body. "I just grew a penis." "Congratulations," the Great Idiot smiled. "Now all you have to do is master the accent and you could pass for an Aussie Sheila." CHAPTER SEVEN Sammy, Who and Fred stood outside the door marked 'Crows Changing Rooms'. "Are you sure you want to do this, Captain?" Sammy asked worriedly. "Sammy, really. I'm a Starship Captain. I've travelled the whole of time and space throughout the twelve galaxies. There's nothing I could see that COULD scare me now," Who told him. He and Fred stepped inside. Sammy was about to follow when he and Fred came running back out in tears. "Ooh, my giddy aunt, ooh!" Who was weeping hysterically. "I'm sorry, Sammy, you're on your own in this one... ooh!" Who and Fred ran wildly away. Frowning, Sammy stepped inside the Crows' changing rooms. The atmosphere reeked of evil. Crosses were inverted on the walls, stained glass windows showed various religious icons bowing before and sucking the penises of various Crows 'personalities'. Twelve butch, naked men stood, 'drying' each other. "Er - hi," Sammy waved. They turned. Sammy tried and failed to repress a smirk. "Oh... oh, I'm so sorry," he cackled. They stepped forward in a way that probably would have been menacing had their teeny tiny willies not been flopping about so limply. "How dare you entere the nerve centre of the Crows Empire?" one, Mark something or other, yelled. Sammy looked at their faces. He recognised that some of them were definitely among the group that had abducted Ian and Ms Wok. "I demand to know where you've taken them!" "We don't know what you're talking about," Mark smirked. "You're lying," Sammy hissed. "Then you'd better leave," Mark hissed back. "Before you disappear too. Or perhaps you'd like to stay. We were just about to have a game of Australian Rules Football. You can stay and watch if you like." Who and Fred watched as the door to the Crows changing rooms banged open and Sammy came running out in desperation. "I told you," Who sympathised. "It's hell in there. They're evil. Evil!" Sammy wept. "Oh, the HUMANITY!" With a BOOP noise, Ms Wok made the final transformation back into Mr Wok. "Excellent," the Great Idiot purred. "Much better looking. I'm sure your husband will think so too, don't you agree?" "You despicable worm!" Mr Wok spat. "Flattery will get you nowhere, Miss - sorry - MISTER Wok," the Great Idiot laughed harshly. "Let's see how your beloved reacts to the change in his bride, shall we?" "No - don't..." Wok begged. Chuckling evilly, the Great Idiot pressed a button on his desk. A section of the wall slid open, revealing a tiny cell with Ian inside. Ian stepped out. "The Great Idiot!" he spat. He looked at Wok. "Scott?" "Au contraire, Mr Kidd," the Great Idiot cackled. "That is your beloved." "What?" Ian spat. "Ms Wok. Your eternal love," the Great Idiot chuckled. "Hi, honey," Mr Wok fluttered his eyelashes. Ian vomited in the corner. Wiping his mouth, he turned on the Great Idiot. "What have you DONE to her?" "I did nothing. Nothing except reverse the change the evil Jip caused," the Great Idiot replied. Ian stared at Wok. "Didn't she - I mean, he - ever TELL you?" the Great Idiot affected mock-shock. "Such deception in modern marriages, isn't there? Oh yes, Mr Kidd. Ms Wok was never Ms Wok. Not really. He was always a man to start with." Ian stared at Wok. "Is... is this true?" "Yes, but..." Wok begged. "It doesn't have to change anything. I still love you as much as I ever did!" Ian vomited in the corner. "Of course!" Who whispered. "I know how we can track down the kidnappers!" "How?" Fred asked. "Presuming that they are enemies of mine or Wok's," Who began, "they must be aliens from the future or something like that. They'll be using advanced technology of some sort or other, I'll wager. And I can scan for it." He took out a strange little machine and clicked buttons on it randomly. It emitted meaningless noises. "A - ha!" Who exclaimed. "Got them! There is advanced technology currently in the Channel 7 building in Adelaide!" Fred shook her head. "Advanced technology in Adelaide? That doesn't sound right, for starters." "Why didn't you just use that thing earlier?" Sammy demanded. "I forgot," Who admitted sheepishly. "Besides, then we wouldn't have had that terribly amusing - and incredibly insulting - trip to the Crows' changing rooms, would we?" Sammy frowned. "But... honeybunch... it's still ME!" Wok rose. "Stay away from me!" Ian yelped, taking a step back. "Ah, a sweetheart's reunion," the Great Idiot dabbed a tear away from his eye. "So touching. But I'm afraid all good things must come to an end." He drew a gun. "You're going to kill us?" Wok demanded. "And leave your corpses for your friend Captain Who to discover," the Great Idiot leered. "Just a token of my... appreciation." His finger tightened on the trigger. Captain Who, Sammy and Fred reached the Channel 7 building. "They've got security guards on the door," Who whispered. "I wonder how we can get in?" "I've an idea," Sammy whispered in Who's ear. The two guards on duty looked up as Who, Sammy and Fred pranced into the building, heading for the lift. "I hate sci-fi!" Who sang loudly. "It's so crap and childish!" Sammy sang. "Let's watch a good Aussie soap instead!" Fred sang. They got in the lift and went up. "Why didn't you stop them?" the junior security guard asked. "Why bother?" his superior replied. "They obviously work here." CHAPTER EIGHT Captain Who, Sammy and Fred burst into the Managing Director's office. "The game is up! Whoever you are, your evil scheme is - " Who stopped. The Great Idiot was trussed up on the floor. Ian and Wok - MISTER Wok - were standing on far sides of the room, Ian studiously avoiding Wok's gaze. Indeed, he seemed to find it more appealing to look at the attractive teenage girl standing by the blue police box in the corner. Sitting in the Director's chair, feet up on the desk, was a small man with a cream Panama hat, dark jacket, checked trousers, a very silly question mark umbrella, and an even siller question mark covered jumper. Who was astounded. "D - Doctor?" he gaped. "This," Sammy pontificated, "is getting ridiculous." "Captain Who, isn't it?" the Seventh Doctor smiled at him faintly, doffing his hat. "Nice to see you again." "Ms - MISTER - Wok, what is he DOING here?" Who demanded. "I don't know," Mr Wok shrugged. "The Great Idiot was about to kill us, when he and Ace suddenly showed up in the TARDIS, Ace boinked him one - " "Lucky fella," Ian commented. Ace grinned at him. "And the Doctor muttered something about unfinished business and having planned it this way all along," Wok finished. "As usual," Ace groaned. "But HE shouldn't be HERE now in THIS universe," Who was becoming very agitated. "That's what I've been trying to tell you, Captain," Sammy explained. "Ever since I left Ramsay Street, I've been popping in and out of the fiction universe AND the real one like I've just been crossing the road!" "RAMSAY STREET?" Ian gaped. "Fiction universe?" the Doctor was looking at Who quizzically. "My dear chap, are you feeling alright?" "No, I am not," Who flustered. "This kind of inter-dimensional instability could do untold damage to causality, determination and indeed the whole fabric of the universe!" "And the web of time," Wok added. "Thank you," Who nodded. "The wormholes Jip unleashed that time were bad enough, but this - free movement between reality and unreality - this is madness!" "Tell me about it," Sammy groaned. "My dear chap, I really don't know what you're talking about," the Doctor stood up. "I can't speak for you and your friends, but I can well and truly say for 100% certain, that neither my friend Ace nor myself are fictional characters." "Too right," Ace nodded in agreement, despite having lost the thread of the conversation ages ago. "Oh, my," Who shook his head. "Oh my, my, my." "Why not show him?" Wok suggested. "Fictional or not, he could be useful in solving this little problem." "He is one mean, manipulative, bad-ass bastard," Ian agreed. The Doctor looked at him moodily. Ian buckled under the gaze. "In a good way," he said meekly. "Doctor, Ace," Who cleared his throat. "I think you should come with me. You need to see something." The Doctor checked his pocket watch. "I suppose we have time," he acknowledged. "There's another two hundred millennia yet before I have to pick up the remains of the Master from Skaro. And I'll need a change of clothes for that. For no apparent reason." "Professor, don't be silly," Ace reproved. "You must have dreamed that. Why would the Dalekes let you just pop in to pick up the Master's remains? I've never heard anything so stupid, ridiculous and unconvincing." "You just wait 'til you see the rest of it," Frobisher commented. Who shushed him. "Doctor? Since the TARDIS is here, we could use it to go to the TARDISPRISE and I could show you... what I need to show you." "Very well," the Doctor agreed. "But if this is some kind of trap, don't bother. My future self will already have popped back and got me out of it, you know." "Yes, well," Who coughed. "Never mind about that now." "Come along, then," the Doctor unlocked the TARDIS door. "Aren't you forgetting something?" Wok said pointedly. "Like?" Who questioned. "Like turning me back into a woman!" Wok cried. "Yes, yes, good point," Who walked over and picked up the Great Idiot's
Copyright © 2002 Ian Kidd |