Storymania - Atu Ep.2 by Rube

Atu Ep.2 (3)
Rube

Carl's eyes glaze over and drift thoughtfully to a space about a 15 Centimeters or so directly up in front of them – he is looking into his mind and from where I stand I am able to see how incredibly small it actually is.
   “Carl. I'm asking you a-”
   “You know Rueben, you gotta want things in this world.”
   “I want things.”
   “No Rueben, you need things. You need things because you never give yourself the things that you want.”
   “Carl, That makes no fucking sense at all. I'm trying to have a serio-”
   “Rueben, If you're always substituting the things that you want – essentially sublimating every normal human desire you have then you lose that primary impulse to consume which is every living thing's first purpose. I mean the one common trait in every living thing is that we take – we desire; our minds desire, our hearts desire, our bodies desire and we humans are at the level of such sophistication that we have to take on many different levels to satisfy our desires, not like animals right – any animal, say for instance a bear would-”
   “Which bear?”
   “A bear. Any bear – A Winne the fucking Poo bear – whatever – listen, a bear would only have to think about food and fu-”
   “No, what like a Brown Bear a Grizzly Bear a Black Bear c'mon be specific.”
   “Fine. A fucking Kodiak Bear.”
   “Ah, Ursus arctos middendorffi, our old friend the Alaskan Brown Bear.”
Carl stops and looks at me coldly. He takes a drag from his cigarette.
   “Okay I’m going to try this a different way. Look Rueben, we all exist in a world of things. For better or for worse people in the modern world need things to survive, and people want things to be happy. We need food, clothes, all the basic stuff, and we also need other people. And other people than yourself also need things. We all share the same needs and wants, and these varied objects or services are facilitated by the flow of money. So to access the things we want or need we must have access to money.”
   “So?”
   “Well…sure, obviously that – but I mean the other things too.”
   “What do they want though? That's what I want to know.”
   “What? Want? Things – THINGS.”
   “Jesus Carl – what specifically? I mean – what things?”
  “I don’t know, a house, car, health care plan-”
  “Your people don’t have personalities, Carl. This is why you could never be a writer.”
  “Aw Rueben don't be – okay look say for instance you had a girl and she was on a day out shopping. She'd be at the mall and probably want to get a coffee. Don’t you want to buy your girl a coffee?”
  “Which coffee?”
  “A Cappuccino.”
  “No I mean which type of coffee. ”
  “Canephora. What do you care? With cream.”
  “Canephora. Ooh, that’s fresh – that really says something. See how easy that was Carl? I’m starting to get a feel for the character now.”
  “Great. That’s good. Stay with me now – so then she'd want to get a magazine.”
  “Cosmo?”
  “No, Grazia”
  “Nice”
  “Because she's high-class. And then she gets hungry – what are you going to do?”
  “Grazia is a classy magazine - I've never even read it.” I thought about the question. “Take her to Mcdona-“
“No Rueben – this girl is really worth it. She doesn't eat McDonalds or shit like that – no, she shimmies her ass into the Brassiere Roux and orders something really expensive.”
“Right, now. The fuckin' Brassiere Roux.”
“Then, once she finishes her meal sh-”
“No hang on, what did she order, I mean –”
“CHRIST okay she gets the Quenelle de brochet à la lyonnaise for a starter and then the Entrecôte de boeuf buccleuch à la bordelaise for a main and –“
“How did she take the steak?”
“F– okay she ordered it well-done OKAY?”
Well-done? This bitch isn't sophisticated at all. Carl makes us sound like the new rich. I hate us. I start to get the feeling like I was on a train going somewhere with someone and halfway through the journey I realized I didn't really want to go there or even be with this person I was with at all but it was too late to turn back now. But maybe I'm just panicking. Commitment can be a scary thing -
“Okay, what did she have for dessert?”
“JESUS I DON'T – okay Rueben she had the Rhubarb crème brulée and she LOVED IT – okay?”
I have to admit that that is a good choice for dessert – I would have probably chosen the same. I can see that Carl was getting annoyed so I gesture for him to carry on.
“She buys an MP3 Player, pays for the television license then goes to get her hair done.”
“Her hair? Where did sh-”
“Fuckin Trevor Sorbie's in Covent Garden.”
We stare at each other for a few seconds. “Well do they have a phone number?”
“AwJESUS Rueben are you going to listen to me or not?” I spit on the ground.
“No Carl, I'm not. Fuck you – Mp3 players, Kodak Cameras, Skateboards, new trousers, sex, crème brulée, Jazz albums, a haircut, high-def plasma televisions, shoes, cars – why the hell do you people believe that it's your God-given right to consume as much as you can? And why the hell is it my responsibility to enable you to do it by getting you money?! Everybody just takes it for granted that the height of success is amassing all this shit – buying the best and latest luxury items, stuffing their face with the most expensive gourmet foods, buying designer clothes, owning the largest property on the market and producing as many children as they can afford to have – do you know what that makes us, Carl? Parasites. All of us parasites are encouraged to fight and tussle to make as much money as we can, using up the world's resources at an increasing rate, sucking it dry, never being allowed to be happy with living an un-pestered life and being content with the simple pleasures of being alive in this world? But we're supposed to be different, Carl – we're okay here aren't we? I mean we all get our little things; somehow Bill gets loads of bullets, Gabby got her Jacket and maybe a little something else – but the meaning of the Terran unit is to bring things to the world rather than take things from it.”
Carl is totally unimpressed and knowd that I've run out of steam. Besides that, I have already basically agreed to do what they want so I sigh and say “But I promise to try get some money.”
   Carl smiles, nods at me, flicks his cigarette at my trousers and mounts his horse in a masculine way. It takes me a second but then I get it: Carl is right. I don't want anything. I hate things.
And that's why I am a bad leader.
“And that's why,” Carl begins, and his horse rears up onto his hind legs as he pulls the reins back and waves his hat in the air and I envy him because it looked so cool, “You're a pussy.” and then he charges his horse forward past the front of the herd ahead into unknown territory and the sky is beginning to chill into a cold black expanse that has only a few distant stars and a couple of planets holding it up like shining silver pins in a dark curtain and as he rides away Carl turns back smiling while still waving his hat in the air yells “AND YOU PUNCH LIKE A GIRL” Carl. What a dick. Anyway we – or I, have to get money – that much is clear. I also have to resign myself to that fact that just because I have no ambition it shouldn't mean that the whole group has to suffer as a result.

I riding by myself for a while. There is a strange aroma in the air and an unfamiliar sound on the breeze. The Herd has slowed down and I can see that about seventy individuals of the Three-hundred-or-so cows have begun to graze and walk intermittently so I dismount my horse to give his back a rest and while we perambulate together I scratch my head trying to think of some way to appease the group. They are high – we're all high – none of us are thinking straight which is precisely why I have to do something rather than say something. I spit onto the ground as we walk past a large Datura bush – one of the many that are dotted around the otherwise quite empty landscape and I remark internally that this particular bush is not only large but also full of pods and flowers so I pick off a few of the spiky Green seed-pods for later and pull out and cut off a couple of roots for Gabby although I know she is probably munching on one right now wherever she is. It is difficult to reason with most of the group even under normal circumstances but for the past six months and with all this Datura in our systems it is rendered a completely futile gesture. But I still couldn't understand why: Why did we need the money? The woman who Carl had described sounded very high-maintenance and you definitely wouldn't find a lady like that out here on the prairie – in fact you wouldn't find any wom- well, that's not strictly true – there was Pokey but she was lost. But I didn't have to spend a cent to get her to put out – Christ, I didn't even have to speak her language to get her to take her dress off – the only thing I had to do to get into her pants was to ply her full of Datura just like the white devil wo-
And then the idea struck me – “Jesus!” in mid-chew I dropped the Datura and my horse stopped grazing to look at me sideways with one enormous Brown eye and blinked its Black eyelashes which were thick as whiskers – I patted it's muscular cheek while staring into space: “We could...” In a start I looked back to the ground and quickly picked the Datura up then turned back to the bush I had picked it from. I swallowed the seeds in my mouth and turned to my horse and held the Datura up to his face – “Elton, this is it!” but the stupid horse just tried to eat some of it.
“NO!” I said pushing his face away. “NOT for you.” I held the Datura up in front of him again shaking my head indicating the pickings of Datura in my hand. “No eaty-eaty!” but he tried for it again with his big groping lips so I smacked him on the head then grabbed him by one of his big furry ears shaking his head real hard while shouting “NO! Grass! You eat grass!” and he snorted angrily and kicked off a bit then walked away from me towards another Datura bush. I looked up to the sky and yelled “YES!”
It was brilliant! I could introduce the bullshit idea to the group – tell them that we were going to sell it to
people and then get anything we wanted out of them once they were inebriated! It was a ridiculous plan but the group were so stupid and gullible they'd probably think it was the greatest idea in the world – I laughed at the simplicity of it: I'd be off the hook, Carl would once again look like the prick that he was and more importantly I would once again be seen as a leader. I looked up at the sky which was deep Blue by now and made you think you were looking up into a bottomless ocean that had a solar system floating in it then I looked across the herd and saw that they had stopped and the cows were now just milling around – the timing was perfect – I ran to my horse through the darkness, pulled him away from the bush while cursing him, climbed onto the saddle and spurred him on with a “Heeiya” waving my hat in the air like Carl did before but nobody was around to see it and it was dark anyways so I stopped doing that and just rode really fast towards the orange glow of light made by the small fire in the distance where the group had stopped for the night.
   As the small fire came galloping towards me I could make out the reflected light cast on a few human forms who all stood up and waved their arms at me excitedly as I arrived. Once I was near them their figures became clear – I noticed that there were only two of them there – I jumped off my horse beaming a huge smile and walked towards them and said loudly, “Gabby! Ha – you're gonna love this-”
Gabby was smiling too for some reason and began to say something but I cut her short -
“Rueb-” “I got the answer! Listen – we can sell Datura to people! Wait, think of it: We would convince them that the plant has amazingly beneficial properties – skin rejuvenation, anti-cellulite juice, Omega 3 fish oil -whatever- obviously Bill won't be present when we try sell 'em off on the idea -sorry Bill- but when they start freaking out then we pounce on the fuckers and strip them of every last thing they got and that's how we could make some money!”
Gabby and Bill -the suckers- looked at each other in a second of silent contemplation and then burst into wicked laughter – they were slapping their hands on their knees and trying to nod at me with tears in their eyes while giving me 'thumbs-up'. But something was strange. This was not the drug talking. Something else was going on here. Were they laughing at me? Then I got it:
Carl.
Where the fuck was Carl? And where was Harlan? They kept on laughing at my Datura idea – sure it was a ruse but there was no way that they could have known that – no, Carl had done something – again – how could it have happened so fast? They thought I was a joke, a clown – that fucking Judas had finally managed to usurp me but what was confusing was that Gabby and Bill looked genuinely happy. I checked to see if they were armed. Bill had a gun in his hand. Which was normal – but still, I was getting a little bit frightened.
“What's so goddamned funny?” I asked angrily.
“Your idea! It's brilliant!” Gabby said straining to talk between convulsions, stepping forward and putting her hand on my shoulder to steady herself. “Wheea – sorry Rueben –“ She stopped to laugh then continued “That's brilliant – we were just talking about – ha ha – that's fuckin'-”
I stepped back and lifted her hands off me uneasily,
“Well okay, It's not that brilliant. Fuck this. Where's Carl?!” I swore to God that this time I would kill him. “Has he said something to you guys?! What did he say?” I was worried.
“No no no, Rueben, see, he's on the beach.” She was still laughing.
“The what?!” Maybe it was the drugs. “Stop fucking around! WHERE'S CARL?!” I looked behind me. Maybe he was hiding behind a cow and would come out to get me back for this afternoon. He would do something sneaky like that, the prick, but I could see nothing. Except cows. One of them nodded at me and I tipped my hat back.
“Naw – really, Rueben listen –” Bill said while pointing his gun off to some far place in the distance behind him “He's really on the beach.”
“The-” I paused to listen and when I did I could hear the sound of the invisible waves and could smell the salt in the air.
“Rueben, we've come to a coast-line!” Gabby yelled happily grabbing me again and shaking me by shirt, “The Ocean Rueben! And there's a ship anchored out there! People Rueben! People!”
“Jesus.” It was unimaginable. “A ship. Wait – what kind of ship?”
Gabby frowned and shrugged. “A ship, a big boat, a- the fucking Titanic – who cares Rueben?”
“It's a Galleon.” Said Bill while slotting rounds into his Smith&Wesson – Gabby went on without listening:
“Carl and Harlan are out there right now trying to signal them!”
I smiled to myself and shook my head in amazement: once again The Terran Unit had guided us to exactly the right place at the right time. And a fucking Galleon: we were saved. A weight instantly lifted off my chest and my anxiety dissipated – there was no need for my stupid surreptitious plan to fool the group into thinking that we were going to get people high on Atrophine and Scophomine and then take their money. And since the Terran Unit were the ones who found the Ocean and not Carl it meant that I was still the leader and he was still a prick.
“This is gonna be great!” Shouted Gabby.
“YEeeAAH!” Bill shot his gun happily up into the air which gave us all a fright except Juno.
“BILL!” I yelled in annoyance with my fingers in my ears, “Relax with the shooting!” I turned back to Gabby. “That's great Gabby. This is gonna be a new start. We're gonna find our way and-”
“Right! We'll get those fuckers totally motherless then loot that whole Galoon! Or whatever it's called – we'll be swimming in money!”
“What?”
Bill threw his hat in the air and shot at it twice missing both times but was still happily shouting “Heeiiya!” and dancing around a bit and the hat landed on the dirt. I didn't pay any attention to him this time. Gabby was talking crazy. “Huh? No, Gabby I-”
“No Rueben wait,” she began, “I have to say something” Bill picked up his hat, dusted it off and put it back on his head adjusting it.
Gabby started looking at me in a peculiar way. She was as blind as a bat but I could see something in her eyes.
“What?” I said. She was walking towards me again. I began inching back.
“I have to say that I'm sorry.”
“Sorry about what?” There was no way we were taking on a Galleon; I mean, if that stupid bitch wanted to lose her f-
“I'm sorry I ever doubted you – I was wrong when I said that you didn't 'have it' like Gary.”
When she said that, a jolt shot through me like as if I had touched an electric wire. My feet were stuck to the ground like magnets. My heart clawed up into my throat and I was unable to speak or move. She stepped closer to me and continued speaking -
“Sometimes a leader doesn't have all the answers – a true leader has to work with the unknown: chaos and chance – the unpredictable – things that people don't like – uncertainty.” She moved forward again and touched my hand briefly. “And when people who depend on him become aware of these circumstances they get uneasy and begin to doubt him and in that moment he has to have enough faith for all of them.” She came right up close to me and clasped her arms around my trunk and pressed herself to me in an embrace then nuzzled her cheek onto my chest and softly tucked her head under my chin like a small bird coming into a nest and I could smell her blonde hair and when she spoke to me in her low subdued tenor voice it resonated through my upper body, “I want to tell you that I believe in you Rueben. I trust you and I want you to trust me – I'll follow you and the Herd wherever they go no matter what happens – I just want you to know that.” I could only put my arms around her and try to say something but couldn't form any words because I was too overwhelmed. I tried to stop it but I couldn't help tears from building up in my eyes: I was still the leader.
We stood there together for a while and she sighed and I felt her breath on my chest. Finally after a long while Gabby gave me another hard long squeeze then let go and when she did I could see that she also had tears in her eyes and she was blushing. She stepped back and looked down to hide it while she cleared the tears from her eyes, made a runny-nosed sniff then let off an embarrassed giggle and with a happy but still wavering voice said, “So lets go and rob those fuckers blind!” And she blinked oddly for a bit, I’m pretty sure her eyes went squiffy again – anyway in that moment I felt that I had really gained something. Fuck mp3 players and flat-screen T.V's – this is what I really wanted – I just wanted people to believe in me no matter what. Gabby had decided that I was the one that she wanted to lead the-
Then it dawned on me – now I couldn't back out of this stupid and insane plan: We were all going to die. What were the odds of this happening I thought to myself – the clichés were once again right:
Truth really was stranger than fiction. And be careful what you wish for because you just might get it – people always wish for the wrong things – then you'll realize it's shit and you'll wish you didn't wish for it. And you really should look before you leap – don't just jump – I mean really look.
I tried to think of another one.

'A person in danger should not try to escape at one stroke.
He should first calmly hold his own then be satisfied with small gains which will come by creative adaptations.'

Whatever the fuck that means.
“So what are we going to do, Rueben?”
“Do about what?”
I started thinking about how her hair smelled – sweet, like some exotic over-ripe fruit twinned with that familiar fragrance that all woman have – hers was so specific though – so familiar – It was an aroma so delicate and yet so overpowering at the same time that it was like as if I had a special olfactory organ especially designed to recognize her so that I could be able to identify her in a crowd of wo-
“The fucking BOAT Rueben – HEY!” She snapped her fingers twice in front of my face. “Wake up!”
Gabby seemed tense.
“Okay okay-” So I thought about it. I thought about it from different angles, different approaches. I rubbed my chin. I paced. We were all going to die. That was certain. As I saw it I had 2 choices: I could sound authoritative or I could sound Bellicose. But it was Gabby and Bill I was talking about so I went for the first option since it takes very little aggravation before they become unmanageably violent.
“Okay. This is what we'll do. We'll make a mixture of Datura so concentrated that no normal person will be able to withstand it. First we'll have to convince them that it's not poisonous – Gabby – you drink some in front of them because you and Bill are the only ones who can take such a high dose – The trick is making them all drink it within 20 minutes of each other. And then they'll be ours.”
The plan was destined to fail and we were all definitely going to die but I felt great: I was the leader again and that was all that mattered.

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