Tiki's Revenge (2)
Edward L Wier

"May I come in?"
Ed silently responded by backing up and pushing the door open further. He entered quickly and began ascending the steps with Ed following slower and bewildered.
When they reached the top of the stairs, He turned and smiled. His golf-ball sized cheeks slid upward as he spoke.
"Well, how do I look? I feel like shit. I hate gravity. You're probably used to it."
Then he took a deep breath and continued.
"Look, just accept it. I'm here. I know you're having a hard time with it, but so am I. And can we please skip all the scholastic inquiry? All that stuff makes me nauseous."
Each time Ed was about to speak, he found silence more agreeable.
"Another thing. I think it would be a good idea to keep all this between you and me, if you don't mind. No one will believe you anyway. It won't help matters."
Ed nodded quickly, while imagining Deborah's response.
"Can I get you something to drink?"
"Icewater would be good." Tiki got up and walked over to the balcony.
"These are Tiki torches?"
He moved closer to inspect them.
"They look like they were made by a bunch of inbred savages! The bamboo is crooked. The weaving is sloppy. The cap doesn't fit. I'm embarrassed to look at them. How much did you pay for these?"
"A dollar ninety-nine. Each."
"You got taken."
Ed handed Tiki the water and looked at the torches.
"They ought to be at least nineteen ninety-nine, maybe twenty-four ninety-five. But we will have to make a lot of improvements. Consumers don't respect a product unless it costs them something. "
Ed found the use of the word 'we' curious.
"Which brings me to the point of my visit. Your father owns a drug store?"
"Well, two, actually. Wender Drugs. But the big chains are making it hard for him to stay in business."
"We can fix that."
Tiki took a healthy swig of water and began walking thoughtfully, but hit his elbow on the sharp edge of the grill.
"DAMN...! WHO PUT THIS...! Sorry, I get very angry. Easily. Quickly."
Ed looked at him uncomfortably.
"What would your father think about you selling some genuine Tiki torches in his stores? I'm not talking about junk like this." He looked at the torches with disgust.
"He sells everything else."
"Listen, when you fall from the spirit world, they give you a little power. We call it Mana. It's not much, but it's better than nothing. If used wisely, if can be very profitable. You ever heard of Luk clutches? You know, the automobile part? 'Get a grip with Luk'?"
"I think I've seen a van with that name on it."
"Well, Luk used to work for me. Look, if I'm going to be in this," he said gesturing towards his body, "I'm at least going to live decently. The power can almost assure us of success."
"What exactly do you mean by 'power.'?"
"It's kind of like when you get out of prison. They give you a suit and a few bucks, to help you get started."
"What kind of power?"
"I don't want to get into that now. Let's just say I can persuade folks easily. Do you want to work with me?"
"Doing what?"
"The main thing is to get your father to let you put a torch stand in his stores, but if you agree to become my servant, he will do it. After that, just errands."
"Your servant?"
"Don't get upset. It's just a word. You belong to the IRS anyway now, don't you? I know more about you than you think Edward."
"What do I get in return?"
"How about more money than you know what to do with? As an old Japanese follower of mine once said, 'Pain in neck to rule the world, much more fun to own it'!"
Now Ed was listening intently.
"Deborah is the best thing that ever happened to you."
"That's what everyone tells me."
"It would be nice to pay off that twenty-seven thousand dollar IRS debt she doesn't even know about. Maybe do some things for her for a change? And...."
"And what?"
"A shot at immortality maybe? Godhood? They're always looking for fresh spirit, Edward. I'm required to find a replacement. You might do well on a local level. It's hard to say, but it is the opportunity of a lifetime. Ah, don't think about it now. We have a lot of work to do. So, can you put me up for a few days?"
"What do I tell Deborah?"
"You don't have to tell her anything. She's going out of town for a while. She'll tell you about it at Marquito's tonight. Don't look at me like that! Make Tiki angry!"
That night, over drinks, Deborah told Ed about a conference her boss wanted her to attend in Dallas. The woman who was supposed to go got sick. It would be a few days. She would be leaving in the morning. Ed apologized for not being able to pay the bill. She said not to worry about it and kissed him good-bye.
"Are you feeling OK? " she said. "You seem distracted."
"I'm just...I've got so much to do. Do you think I'm crazy?"
"Yes. I might need you to pick me up at the airport."
"Just call me the day before. Leave the flight information on my machine if I'm not home. Bring me some barbecue sauce or a hat." He watched her drive away and then went home himself.
When he arrived, Tiki was on the phone talking business, urgently.
"I want the best. African is too inconsistent. It has to be straight, sealed, and treated. All the same diameter. And the canisters...No! Aluminum. I need it yesterday. Three-nine-nine, five-two nine-four. Seven-seven-zero. Thanks, bye."
Ed walked into the kitchen pensively.
"Edward! The wheels are rolling. You never answered me. Are you with me? You realize I don't really need you for this, but I would like to do you a favor."
"OK, but why do you want to help me?"
"I have my reasons. You may be lazy, but you're not stupid. You need to talk with your father first thing in the morning. He'll like the idea. Just tell him you've got a product. He'll be glad to see you being industrious. Tell him a rep will be by to see him. I've also made a list of some people I need you to call tonight. Most of it's local. Can you swing it?"
"Sure. Do you ever think about why you failed as a god?"
"Do you ever think about why you failed as a teacher?"
"I wouldn't say I've failed. I'm just between jobs.
"Me too. Make those calls and get some rest. We have an impossible day tomorrow." Tiki explained to Ed what he needed done, then sat down at the living room table with an array of papers. After a few hours, Ed went to sleep.
The next morning, Tiki was right again. His father was unusually excited about the torch stand idea. They walked around and found a location. His father called the other store. Again, when he returned, Tiki was pulling strings on the telephone.
"The leather pouch will contain the extra wicks, the optional mounting hardware, and the lifetime guarantee. I'm going to fax you the logo, today. Great! Thanks, Bola. Hey, don't forget the UPC code. I'm screwed without it."
Tiki hung up the phone and immediately started in with Ed.
"I need you to fax this to Enap Productions. The sooner the better. I think the oil is almost ready. Check this out. Citronella. Pineapple scented. Burns cleanly and twice as long. Costs almost nothing to make. And stop by Aloha Printing on the way back. My contracts and brochures. And the bank."
"Which one?"
"Pacific Savings and Loan. It's on Piedmont. Also, I need you to run by this address. I think she's in Sandy Springs. Her name is Moa. She's a seamstress."
Ed looked at Tiki with a question.
"My costume." The golf balls slid up underneath his cheeks.
"Where are you getting the money for all this?"
"Money? People owe me favors, Edward. Some people plan ahead, you know."
Ed was driving back to his place after taking care of the errands, while glancing down occasionally at the grass skirt, armbands, and headdress on the seat next to him. The car smelled of dried grass. When he got home there was a white truck outside with 'The Original Tiki Torch' written on the side in curved, green, bamboo-style lettering with a red and orange flaming background. 'Since 800 BC' was conspicuously placed on the bottom right. A small dark man smiled from behind the wheel. Some people know how to get things done. Ed found Tiki asleep on the couch.
The next day, Ed awoke to find Tiki in full dress, adjusting his headdress in the mirror.
"Do you have a jock-strap?"
"Yeah, I think so. Big game today?"
"I need to borrow it. We don't need Tiki's torch poking through the grass."
Ed searched his drawers and brought the strap to Tiki.
"How old is this?" Tiki said holding it up. "It looks like an antique. Listen, you're going to have to take care of the stores for me. I just found out there's a huge home and garden show at the Galleria and we've got a booth. Remember Christy Black? Your friend? Director of sales and marketing?"
"What about her?"
"Ed, you didn't do well in math did you? It doesn't matter. Just set up the stands at the stores and leave them for now. Everything's in your car. Oh, and sprinkle some of this in a circle about ten feet out from the stands, just to get us started. Things are going to happen very quickly now. And this is just the beginning. They'll be hammocks, grills, furniture, everything. All you have to do is hold on, but I need your complete cooperation."
He handed Ed a small bottle.
"What is it?"
"I can't explain it to you now. Can you just do it?"
"I suppose. What am I now, a witch doctor?"
"Set up the stands, then swing by the Galleria. You know where it is?"
"Yes."
"I've got someone to drive the truck for me. See you in a while." Tiki swished down the steps and was gone, leaving behind a trail of dried grass.
Ed set up the displays, which looked quite good, at both his father's stores and sprinkled the powder inconspicuously around them in a circle. It smelled like leather and coconut but was so fine that it could not be seen on the floor. He did notice, however, that as soon as anyone entered the ring they immediately went to the display, reached for a torch or two, and walked away. His father was beaming at the cash register.
The Galleria was packed when Ed arrived. He parked his car and joined the stream of people heading for the showroom. It felt like he was going to a rock concert but instead of spiked hair and leather he saw a lot of plaid pants and deck shoes. He entered the huge room and began walking randomly down isles looking at ladders, plants, decks, whirlpools, and fountains along with hundreds of other people. Many of them were carrying torches. The largest group was in the corner near the gazebos. Ed began making his way through the densely packed crowd towards the attraction. He heard Tiki's voice before he could see him.
"... or splitting, mounting hardware for any type of application, extra wicks, and a lifetime guarantee. You will never have to purchase another Tiki torch, unless you simply want more. Tiki brand oil is..."
Ed finally gave up trying to see, then just walked around aimlessly for about ten minutes, wondering about everything, especially about the immortality proposition. As a man, living forever would be a curse, but as a god? Lately, the idea of a drastic change was attractive. Ed was aimless and frustrated at his core. He was beginning to feel like no one knew him, even Deborah. And, the whole Tiki situation was making him feel even more disconnected from the world. Perhaps he would talk to Tiki about leaving. The thought felt good.
"Excuse me!"
Ed ran right into an old lady with a small plant, then finally went home exhausted with some brochures and a free bag of peppermint seeds. He waited up for Tiki, but soon fell asleep. That night he dreamed of the elements. Air, water, fire and earth. There was no plot. A bamboo forest. Drums. Painted faces. Fire. Deborah was there, in some form. Then he was alone, floating silently, high above a small island with the surrounding water bathed in a deep orange from a magnificently setting sun. He was completely naked and warm. Floating. Floating. But then he began to shiver.
"Edward. Edward!"
He opened his eyes to find Tiki's hand on his shoulder. The costume was gone. Tiki had on a suit. He looked completely different. Ed rolled on his side and squinted up at the now well-dressed ex-god in his living room. He was actually quite handsome and professional looking.
"Well, that's it. Get up and make some coffee. We need to talk before I go."
"You're leaving?"
"Yes, Edward, I'm through here. I'm flying to the Philippines to have a look at a bamboo farming operation."
Ed went in the kitchen and started the coffee, then sat back down on the sofa.
Tiki handed him a small blue piece of paper.
"This is your first check. It's small, but they'll get much larger soon."
"This is for five thousand dollars!" Ed was wide awake now.
"You'll be getting one in the mail every week. Look, I know you're a financial idiot. I've taken care of everything. You just have to cash the checks and spend the money. Can you do that?"
"I can do that."
"You'll also be getting a contract in the mail. Take it to a lawyer if you want. You should be able to pay off the IRS in a few months, if you still want to."
"Why wouldn't I?"
"Have you forgotten about my proposition?"
"Oh. That. Do I have to tell you now?"
"No. You can think it over a little longer. I'll call you in a month or two?"
"Sounds good. Listen, all this..."
"Ed, I've got to go. They're probably already waiting. I don't have time to plunge into the mysteries of the universe. Maybe after I get settled, but not now. I'll be in touch. Do something nice for Deborah. And Edward, thanks for believing in me. But please, get rid of those hideous torches."
Ed and Tiki shook hands. The golf balls rose under his cheeks and then he was gone, leaving Ed staring at the check in a state of mid-afternoon disbelief. Then the door closed.
Ed got dressed and left. He didn't even take a shower. Who needs to smell good with five thousand dollars? He drove to the bank with a bubbling giddiness and deposited the check into his account. The teller looked at it oddly, talked with another woman, then smiled and handed Ed the receipt. He immediately went to the grocery store to shop, passing up all the generic products. He even bought some imported beer, steaks that weren't pre-packaged, and a dozen red roses.
Back home, Deborah had called and left a message that her flight would be arriving at six forty-five that evening. He made a few calls, including one to the Chateau Elan. Then he flipped through the yellow pages and made a call to the Phoenix Limousine Service.
"Yes, I need to get a limousine for this evening. I'd like to get the super-stretch if I can. White is good. With the bar and everything. Champagne. The Moet sounds good. Great. The airport. Edward Wender. Sixteen o four, Woodcliff Drive. That sounds good. OK. The flight arrives at six forty-five. We're going to Chateau Elan afterwards. I'd like to get to the airport about six fifteen. Visa? Thank you."
Later that evening, after a shower, Ed was standing outside in a tuxedo with a dozen red roses when the limo pulled up. The driver stopped, got out, then opened the door with a smile. He looked foreign, but Ed could not relate his appearance to any country.
"Mr. Wender? I'm Mori." He bowed slightly. "I'll be your chauffeur this evening."
"Let me get those in something for you. I think you're going to make someone very happy tonight."
"I hope she doesn't faint. Where are you from?"
"Maui. Are you ready?"
Ed got in, pulled up his cummerbund, and settled down for the ride. Mori waited outside and Ed was waiting in his tuxedo when Deborah came off the flight. She started laughing when she saw him but Ed could tell she was pleased with the formal reception.
"What the hell? You must have signed something with Tiki." Ed smiled.
They kissed and started walking towards baggage claim. Outside, Deborah saw the long, white car.
"Check out the limo. Where are you parked?"
Mori walked towards them and reached for the bag.
"Deborah, this is Mori. He's our chauffeur."
A loud 'what' rang out in a thick Jersey accent.
Mori put the bag in the trunk.
Ed put his arm around Deborah's waist and whispered, "Just shut up and get in the car, lady."
Mori let them both in and closed the door. As they pulled out, Ed opened a bottle of champagne and presented Deborah with the roses.
"Edward, where the hell did you get the money for all this? You've done something illegal, haven't you?"
"No. But, I don't want to talk about it now." Ed thought of Tiki briefly. "Let's just enjoy it. We'll talk later. Don't question it. We question things too much anyway, don't you think? Have you ever been to Hawaii?"
They drank champagne like water, laughed like soaked children in the rain, and arrived at Chateau Elan to Deborah's unbelieving delight. Then they had what they both agreed was one of the best nights of their lives. Afterwards, the checks continued to arrive, each one larger than before. Ed continued to postpone any explanation, while his life continued to change, drastically. Deborah's parents were even beginning to show him a little respect. It was amazing what a little money could do. He began to win friends and influence people.
But he was handling his new journey up the economic ladder well. All those years of living on a teacher's salary stayed with him. He was essentially the same person, but with much more money. He didn't flaunt it much. Most of the time he did things for Deborah and his parents. He was biding his time with Deborah however. Her suspicion was growing with his bank account. The truth seemed as unacceptable as lying.
Tiki finally called, about six-weeks later.
"Hello."
"Edward! How are you?"
He recognized the voice immediately. He felt a slight tinge of fear, the same a child might feel if parents phoned from out of town during a forbidden party.
"Good! Great, actually. I've been thinking about you lately."
"And my proposition, I hope."
"Yeah. I think I'm going to pass on that one, if you don't mind. A few months ago I was seriously considering it, but now..."
"Well, I sort of figured you might. Life on this miserable planet isn't so bad if you have a little money in your pocket."
"What do you think I should do?"
"Sorry, I'm not in that line of work anymore. Why don't you make Deborah happy? That could be a nice, life-long project."
"I have been working on that. I have a lot of catching up to do. Speaking of Deborah, I'm having a difficult time figuring out what to tell her about all this. It's not the sort of thing a fifth-grade teacher wants to hear, especially from someone she might want to marry and have children with. What do I tell her?"
"Don't push it. The truth in the hands of fools can be a dangerous weapon. Take it easy with the money. If she loves you, she'll come around. I might be able to help a little. Do you still have the bottle of powder I gave you?"
"Yes."
"In about a week, take her out in the car. But before you do, sprinkle some on the passenger seat. When the time feels right, tell her, everything."
"When the time is right?"
"She'll let you know. You'll know."
"You're the boss."
"I guess I am aren't I? By the way, I've started the furniture line. You won't believe this stuff. And be on the lookout for a delivery. I'm sending you something for your balcony. Listen Edward, I need to go. Don't forget to take care of the papers I sent."
About a week later a large package arrived at Ed's place while he and Deborah were having lunch together. Deborah helped him move it up the steps. They looked at each other with cautious expectation amid a faint odor of dried grass. They set it on the carpet, breathing heavily.
"What is this?"
"I have no idea."
Deborah seemed more curious than Ed about the contents, and, when they removed the carton, found themselves looking at a beautiful bamboo throne with two torches on the back corners and two mounted on the front of the arms. The weaving was impeccable and there were no stray strands of grass anywhere. It smelled fresh. Once again, Deborah's mouth was open. She closed it, looked at Ed with wild brown eyes and spoke.
"You have lost your mind. Where did you get this?"
"It's a gift."
"From...?"
"Deborah. Do you believe in God?"
"You know I do. Yes Ed, Catholics believe in God."
"Do you talk to Him? Do you feel like you know Him?"
"Do I pray? Of course."
"Does He talk back to you?"
"Why are you asking me all this?"
"Because something has happened which is either the most incredible, unbelievable thing, or I am losing my mind."
Ed was pacing the floor, looking serious, pinching his lower lip, and glancing at the new throne.
"Why don't you just tell me. Tell me what happened."
"You'll think I'm crazy."
"I already think you're crazy. Look, I've got to get back to school. Call me tonight?"
"OK." After Deborah left, Ed sank down into the thatched throne, gripping the arms tightly. His thoughts swirled into questions. Who will believe this? Do I beleive this? How do I explain it?
Later that week, Ed and Deborah were driving through Grogan's Bluff, looking at very expensive homes. Almost all of the decks had torches. Ed's careless shopping demeanor was making Deborah nervous.
"What's that smell? It smells like...coconut?"
Ed ignored her.
"I like this one. Look at the deck on the side. I like the yard too."
"Ed. You've got to tell me where all this money is coming from. I don't like the secrecy. It's really starting to bother me. You've got to tell me what's going on."
Ed took a deep breath and pulled the new car to the side of the road. Then he turned off the engine, turned sideways, and looked over at Deborah's somber, pleading face. She began to cry. Then she opened the glove compartment looking for a tissue.
She saw the vial of powder and picked it up.
"Oh god, I knew it. It's cocaine isn't it? Drugs? You've been selling drugs?"
"No! It isn't cocaine."
"Well what is it then? This better be real good."
Ed took a deep breath.
"Do you remember that party we had a while ago, where everyone left early?"
"Yes."
"Well..."

Copyright © 1998 Edward L Wier
Published on the World Wide Web by "www.storymania.com"